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Missing you (Mindful Memorable WS #5)
A few full moons have passed
yet none
shone
on my face.
and of all the flocks that
have flown over in my sky
little if any
of their chirps
filled
my space
As you can see,
on the so *cold long run
only silence rang
or knocked on my place.
*called
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Ian.T
Sat, 2012-09-15 02:46
Rula
A lovely little piece that gave out the feelings true, no waste of words.
The very last line I am not sure of, it may need a slight change:-
"or knocked on my place" can this be "Or knocked at/on my door"
It is probably the accent or way of phrasing that is unique to you, if so leave as is.. Loved it, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
Rula
Sat, 2012-09-15 03:18
thank you
Dear Ian
thanks for dropping such a kind comment. Happy that you felt truth ringing there.
As for that last line I wanted to say 'knocked on my door but preferd ' place 'with its wide
range meanings that it provides plus it rhymes better with the previous lines.
I'll think of changing if it really distracts or sounds odd.
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Ian.T
Sat, 2012-09-15 03:26
Rula
Better to keep the last line as it is, then it becomes more widely spread, diffusing into an area rather than a personal space..
Take care out there and I hope that a settled time can be had by all soon.
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
wesley snow
Sat, 2012-09-15 17:41
Metaphysics.
It is a difficult subject.
My problem with a poem more subtle than what I can write is that I must first understand it before being moved by it. This usually takes a couple of reads. By that time the magic is gone and I'm left with only understanding (or thinking I understand).
So... the grave?
I will say Rula, that your language use (in poetry and messages to me... everywhere) has matured remarkably. One begins to question if English is a second language.
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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Rula
Mon, 2012-09-17 14:51
Metaphysics!!!
Though I thought I've expressed my self quite clear :) to show my admiration to someone SO special-just like you:-)
I am not sure if the first part of the comment is a praise or not but all I know is that yes, I feel a difference my self regarding language usage.
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loved
Sun, 2012-09-16 09:38
soft sweet and excellent at the least..
your place...
at times we feel
those others ought to
feel the way we do
Once an upcoming great poet
wept with emotion
when he read his poem for a private audition,
then the Reader said to him,
son you have no inkling of what poetry is…
you must be silent
observant
stiff to the core
then see the tears in the eyes of the reader
do they flow?
then you are that one poet
and the entire world will know…
sad he wept more
later he never composed
but today he is an author
of many books,
how many I ain't to sure.
loved
Rula
Mon, 2012-09-17 14:45
Thank you loved for this
Thank you loved for this compliment.so generous indeed:-)
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BlueDemon77
Mon, 2012-09-17 14:59
I really enjoyed that Rula!
I have only one potential criticism. The use of the word "Shone" distracts me. Would not "did shine" work better?
exemplary work!
Ron
Blue Demon77
"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."
The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath
Rula
Tue, 2012-09-18 08:37
dear Ron
Thanks for the nice comment . I do really appreciate your suggestion as well. However I could see no reason to change as I am not after a certain rhyme unless I am missing something I would really like to learn
Many thanks
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scribbler
Mon, 2012-09-17 19:42
Hello
When missing somebody almost everything reminds you of them. Very enjoyable but that last line....
"knocked" seems a bit harsh. Maybe fell upon?....................
Rula
Tue, 2012-09-18 08:43
hello Stan
I am happy to know that that word sounded harsh . That means it well conveyed the meaning I wanted because when ONLY silence knocks on your place/home...etc this indicates sadness/loss of happiness and so . Have you got my idea?
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scribbler
Tue, 2012-09-18 09:44
Hi
Yes. Sometimes difficult to know for sure what is meant to be conveyed...................stan
judyanne
Fri, 2012-09-21 12:51
dearest rula
one tiny thing
‘have flown over in my sky’ – I’d lose the ‘over’
but apart from that I would change nothing else. it is another of your awesomely descriptive writes
and I love the word play with ‘cold and called’
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)