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LET’S START AGAIN IN BED

Submitted by Ruby Lord on Sat, 2023-11-18 10:44

We'd create a world of harmony,
and a future of forgive and forget,
for all we’ve endured.
When unseen masters held us by the throat,
and pummelled us repeatedly to coerce our acceptance,
in their cruel spite and delusion.
Listen to the sound, breathe deep,
let it wash over your soul,
We will become human again.

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Last few words:

I'm protesting at the currrent situation across the world.

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Sat, 2023-11-18 16:50

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Make Love not War" effectively conveys a longing for a peaceful and harmonious world. The use of the phrase "make love not war" as a recurring motif is a powerful tool, invoking the well-known anti-war sentiment of the 1960s and 70s. This provides a historical context that enriches the poem's message.

The transition from the collective experience of coercion and suffering to the healing power of music is well executed. This shift in tone from the harsh realities of conflict to the soothing effect of music helps to highlight the transformative power of peace and love.

However, the poem could benefit from more concrete imagery. While abstract concepts like "peace, love, and harmony" are central to the poem's message, grounding these ideas in specific, tangible images could make the poem more engaging and impactful.

The line "Can your mind see the future?" is a bit unclear. It might be helpful to rephrase or expand on this idea to make the intended meaning more explicit.

Lastly, the phrase "unseen masters" is an interesting choice. If it is meant to represent a specific group or entity, providing more context or clarification could enhance the poem's overall message. If it's meant to be ambiguous, consider whether this ambiguity serves the poem's overall purpose and message.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

Sat, 2023-11-18 22:24

Make Love Not War

Yep. I'll join you. Beautiful final line...
Lx

Ruby Lord

Sun, 2023-11-19 05:48

Thanks Mark. Yes, I see that

Thanks Mark. Yes, I see that big sign now. I've revised it. Your comments are much appreciated, Ruby :) xx

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

author comment

RoseBlack

Sun, 2023-11-19 06:19

The current situation

Is apocalyptic. I am regularly disheartened, angered and frightened by the goings on and agree with you in protest of it all. The poem was nicely done and I enjoy reading your thoughts and insight on these matters.

~RoseBlack~

Ruby Lord

Sun, 2023-11-19 09:16

Thanks Mark, your comments

Thanks Mark, your comments were very much appreciated and they were spot on. Cheers, Ruby :) xx

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

author comment

Neopoet

LET’S START AGAIN IN BED