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Kissing is a train journey....

Submitted by loved on Fri, 2013-11-22 15:51

You buy a ticket,
she buys hers
both board the same train
don't look at her …ignore,
then she looks back in your eye
and does smile…
smile back still ignore…
then the next move,
move a seat closer
she comes and sits next to you...

the rest is all a sojourn
a long one ahead
ere the end of the morn,
kissing is the travel
throughout the night …
till both have had sufficient delight

Kiss me here,
Kiss me there,
just now kiss each other anywhere

the engine whistles an alarm now…
no need to be alarmed anyhow
the final destination must combine
with multiple orgasms,
hers, yours and trains

the platform arrives
you alight
then in a blink of an eye
both are out of sight

Who knows who kissed whom
the end was to come so soon

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Seren

Sat, 2013-11-23 08:31

Seren's picture

I think you should start editing your poetry you have some very promising writes that I think can become dare I say 'great', You have to put the work and the effort into it if you want to become the maestro ;)

I have nearly finished an edit for you I haven't had time in the last week to scratch myself, tomorrows Sunday I will get it finished and get it posted tomorrow or Monday, I hadn't forgotten (though sometimes I need a gentle nudge or reminder ;))

love JC xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

loved

Sat, 2013-11-23 10:16

loved's picture

it is his followers
who make him so
without an independent edit
one is naught
what say you?

when you say maestro
hope you had looked up the dictionary
and compared it with my ability

Regards all the same
you now make me dream
a new maestro's name

but there must be a grain of salt
as on another site
a lady poet does write
hi maestro
to me

loved

author comment

Seren

Sat, 2013-11-23 10:29

Seren's picture

I don't like the words leaders and followers

I like to think of it as writer and reader and in my opinion its the writers job to bring his words to life so that his readers/followers get his message or conveys his story or picture, in all seriousness you write some really great lines but your a little lazy in the edits just my humble opinion but I barely know you after all the years I have now known you, I long ago accepted that and I read your poetry, one day you maybe the maestro I just remembered you using the name once before in a comment it was never meant to be derogatory

take care JC x

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

loved

Sat, 2013-11-23 11:57

loved's picture

You are my well wisher I know of that

I trust you so
you know
that that you have a dream
of my becoming a maestro ever...
I have a doubt
as I know nothing about poetry...

but it just flows out of my mind's valleys
where the words are born
and strewn into a garland...
how, my mind's eye also doesn't know
hope all over here do know,

Loved is just another poetic soul,
In the wilderness of times endless domains,
some day mankind will see
of what of Loved's poetry
that does remain

loved

author comment

weirdelf

Tue, 2013-11-26 09:03

weirdelf's picture
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You could be so much better if you actually tried to learn poetry, instead of churning out endless waffle. You have the perfect opportunity here at Neopoet.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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