Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Islands
She cannot unknot the knots
She tied in me with glee
Nor bottle up the laughter
When it's loosened in me
She cannot uproot the roots
Grown from amorous seeds
Sown in the fertile soil
Of her wild island needs
Nor can she tolerate
The casting of my eyes
In directions directed
By assemblies of lies
She does not like distances
Nor circumferences known
To inhabit her islands
So she sows her seeds at home
She cannot rouse me from
The depths to which I plunge
Though she were an ocean
With a bucket and a sponge
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Wind in the Keyhole
Thu, 2019-04-25 19:04
Love
This poem was written while sitting writing poetry and watching my wife hang a stag horn Fern from a tree.
author commentEumolpus
Thu, 2019-04-25 19:51
I think this poem is quite sad
I think the devise of repeating the words works very well (knot and root) and would continue that through-out.
Otherwise, not knowing anything but the poem, the effect I get is not in keeping with your note about it. Not wanting to act the marriage counselor, there seems to be a huge resentment in tone...that you have been tied in knots (quite a negative image), she can't uplift you from depression...
The poem is very powerful, but I do not sense the love.
She cannot uproot the roots
Grown from amorous seeds
if there was love, why would she want to? So I have no problem with the poem, BUT if your intent was to express love as your comment stated...the feedback from me is it was not successful.
Does that matter? To this reader success in conveying intent is important. To other readers it is not.
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
Wind in the Keyhole
Thu, 2019-04-25 20:18
Thanks for your input. I
Thanks for your input. I really appreciate it. It makes me look at the poem differently. Actually, she was struggling with the knots on her hanging basket, which prompted the first lines and the other lines just came out ; I really didn't even think much about them. But there may have been some underlying resentment there. Interesting.
author commentGeezer
Thu, 2019-04-25 22:06
Welcome to Neo...
I liked the rhythm of it and although some of the lines didn't make sense, they did! I understood the sadness of her not taking the time to be interested in what you are doing. I think that the resentment is just that she isn't spending as much time with you as she is that stupid plant! ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.