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Irreprisible spirit of water
from a bird's eye
I see streams rapids rivers rummaging
cutting through rocks gorges ravines foothills plains
spewing gurgling giggling
with boundless energies
creating labyrinths across latitudes longitudes
breaking barriers
resonating laws of Newton Graham Dalton, Mayer
ultimately progressing into tumultuous laughter
re-energizing the oceans
I'm touched by the gentle ripples
of lakes and lagoons
almost in transcendental meditation
softly reciting hymns
bringing in
ducks turtles swans lilies
paddling swaying serenely
in the calm tranquil zone
where lovers can reflect
listen to each others breath,
watch the swans neck
and discover love in its true form
my coffee goes cold
watching stories unfold
breaking news of
the fury and rage
of floods tsunamis avalanche
sweeping all in their path
without mercy
in a no holds barred mayhem
leaving behind heartbreaking
canvasses and carcasses
flooding my eyes with a tear jerk
clouding my mind
and perspiring through every pore
the wicked experience
these are but just three dimensions
of an irrepressible spirit that abounds
hard to tame or contain
embodied in infinite forms
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Seren
Fri, 2018-08-24 10:14
Ahhhh I am home
Thank you Raj. Simply splendid.
Bravissimo, you've inspired me my friend.
Love love love it !!!
Biggest hugs and love J xxx
P.s. dont change it.
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
raj
Fri, 2018-08-24 13:44
Dearest Jayne
I am so happy that you found time to read and engage with this poem ...believe me it means a lot to get approving words ...truly a tonic for an amateur like me and will inspire me for sure...
thanks a lot
much love and warm hugs....
.........................................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentEumolpus
Fri, 2018-08-24 11:45
a very intersting take
on three aspects of waters. Very attentive to sound devises and images, it feels reminiscent of Hopkins. I think most of the strong music of the words work, and help develop the theme.
A few thoughts- I do not think this poem need to be in the first person as each aspect is a universal, and your presence is there without you stating it-
from a bird's eye
streams rapids rivers rummaging....
gentle ripples
of lakes and lagoons...
The coffee image does not work, is a distraction....I would consider
the fury and rage
of floods tsunamis avalanche
sweeping all in their path
without mercy
in a no holds barred mayhem
leaving behind heartbreaking
canvasses and carcasses
flooding the eyes with a tears
clouding the mind
and perspiring through every pore
the wicked experience
I would also rework or drop entirely the last stanza. It acts as an explanation of what the poem already expressed to us, using the charged words and images of poetry. If we need to tie the poem together, it should just allude to the theme, and leave some to the imagination. Perhaps as an example:.
O irrepressible spirit that abounds
embodied in infinite forms
But the great choice of words and sound do create a music of words and images, what poetry is about. I would keep at this style for a while, you have a great ear for it
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
raj
Fri, 2018-08-24 13:48
Hi Eumolpus
sincere thanks for taking time to read...your analysis...good words and elaborate suggestions....getting such response from experts like you is rare and highly appreciated...I will go through your suggestions and will see how best I can implement... at least some of them...
thanks again and regards..
..........................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentRula
Fri, 2018-08-24 15:49
Hello raj
a superb language used there, so apposite for such a theme. I see the experts have already given great comments as well.
Well done indeed!
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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raj
Fri, 2018-08-24 15:57
hanks for your good words...i
hanks for your good words...i want to say that you're no less expert besides being a good friend...so i expect you to knock on my back too ...ok?
warmly..
....................................................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentBreakinglogic
Fri, 2018-08-24 19:43
I loved the lakes and lagoons
I loved the lakes and lagoons, and how they were bringing in ducks, turtles, swans and lillies. That second stanza was my favorite.
But I think my favorite lines were
leaving behind heartbreaking
canvasses and carcasses
canvasses and carcasses, because of the similar spelling, is an interestingly beautiful juxtaposition, especially in the way that you used them. That bit, I think, is the gold and I hope others don't overlook the beauty there.
☆ raffy
raj
Sat, 2018-08-25 04:56
Hello Raffy
thank you for reading and your good words....nice to know you liked many lines...
.................................................................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentlovedly
Sun, 2018-08-26 15:54
O raj_sublime
u have left nothing to imagery u cover each aspect ....
I am removing my comment in toto
to repost it