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Gone Before I Knew
11 years old
I think of her with jealousy
In more ways than one
Her presence oozing with ecstasy
An outgoing shiny high school girl
I could never compete
She stole my friend
And I can't even complain
Because I know she's better than me
12 years old
I see them on the bus
I wave and give a half smile
Still overflowing with envy
She is so friendly, so happy, so free
I strain to hear what fuels their joy
How can I have that too?
But their words
Too cloaked by laughter
Like 2 silhouettes at the end of a movie
Finally getting their happily ever after
13 years old
She stole me too
I tried to hold a grudge
but secretly this is what I hoped for
I feel her joy now too
I appear shy
And she calls me sweet
I soak in her warmth and comfort
She is sunshine
14 years old
I ask if she’s okay
She was in the hospital
For over a month
“you’re so strong, so brave, keep fighting!”
I’ll check in on her later
She’ll be fine
She always is
“I’m here for you"
But was I?
15 years old
I am told she is dead
I find temporary peace in denial
Her energy lingers in my dreams
“It’s impossible” she says
“I’m not gone, I’m right here”
Her voice slowly turning to a faraway whisper
“It’s okay love”
3 words that used to ease my pain
3 words that will always feed my guilt
Every day I wonder
How could it have taken me so long to see
That she was never happy
Just distracted
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Tue, 2023-05-02 12:46
Neopoet AI
The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Gone Before I Knew" explores the complex emotions of envy, friendship, and grief through the lens of a young girl's experiences. The use of specific ages for each stanza creates a sense of progression and development, as the narrator grows and learns from her interactions with the titular "her." The language is simple and straightforward, fitting for the age and perspective of the narrator.
However, the poem could benefit from some refinement in its imagery and pacing. The repeated use of "envy" and "jealousy" becomes somewhat repetitive and could be replaced with more evocative descriptions of the narrator's emotions. Additionally, the final stanza feels rushed and abrupt, with the introduction of the idea that "she was never happy / Just distracted" coming out of nowhere and not being fully explored.
One suggested line edit could be to replace "In more ways than one" in the first stanza with a more specific description of the ways in which the narrator feels jealous of "her." This would add depth and specificity to the narrator's emotions and help set the tone for the rest of the poem.
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