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Fear
A bottomless pit with no definite impact.
The constant edge you sit on not knowing your left from right,
or up from down.
Everything is still, just as you're used to.
You then notice that suddenly your skin starts to tingle,
sending a shiver so powerful, your soul shakes.
Air escapes your lungs and every breath you take is met with forks and knives.
You're drowning.
The bottomless pit had tricked you.
There was no edge to sit on,
as the inevitable was about to happen.
The idea of " forever " leaves your mind slowly,
and you realize nothing is expected to last
..as the bottomless pit was no longer bottomless.
You want to give in, but then you remember what tool god has given you.
It's all in your head.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
I would really appreciate guidance!
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Rosewood Apothecary
Fri, 2022-12-30 05:59
Welcome
Welcome to Neopoet. I like what you’ve written. I think some of the lines could be reformatted to “look” more like poetry. Kind of a “dress for the job you want” approach. It’s poetic for certain so no foul.
“Fear is the mind killer” and yeah it’s easy to fall in. Here’s a hint; you cannot fall if you jump. You just have to trust that you do land and you land where you belong. I hope you find belonging here with us.
Welcome once again
Tim
miak
Fri, 2022-12-30 18:18
Thank you so much. I'm pretty
Thank you so much. I'm pretty shy about what goes on inside my head, so it was kind of a leap on its own to post this publicly. I appreciate the advice.
Samiah Khurshid
author commentGeezer
Fri, 2022-12-30 08:35
This is...
good stuff, but as Tim has said; it would look better and help the reader to read through it smoothly. Sixteen lines that would fit into four-line stanzas. Good advice in not jumping and to rather slide off at the right place. I too, hope this is the right place. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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miak
Fri, 2022-12-30 18:15
I appreciate the feedback,
I appreciate the feedback, thank you!
Samiah Khurshid
author commentCandlewitch
Sun, 2023-01-08 15:32
hello,
welcome to Neopoet! I hope you will stay with us here on the site. I am looking forward to reading more of your poetry.
*hugs, Cat
*
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