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father
through camera my dad looks young,
not nearly 70.
here, he is a boy
nervous to speak after missing
the promised time of dinner
blue jeans blue shirt blue baseball cap.
in partial time he is just a boy
eating sugar sandwiches and shooting pigeons.
until in real time
he reaches for the brown tissue in his pocket.
from this we’re 10 years later,
im 25, visiting where i left,
his 80 year old hands
stiff from pen
pull a worn tissue out of his softened jeans.
he smooths it out
and pats his drippy nose through shaky hands
and i stand in the doorway.
watch it all like i've been there already.
in these scenes i let go of linear time.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Geezer
Wed, 2022-04-06 02:14
Hello...
glad to make your acquaintance and be the first to comment on your work. This piece projects some deep emotion. Why we write what we write is often not exactly clear to ourselves; but we know that it is right, by instinct. I am going to make the assumption that your father and you, are on steady ground, but somehow, your father is unsure of how to respond to you.
This is what I get from this piece. I felt the hesitancy in his silence and your obvious worry. I would like to see a hug and "I love you"; somewhere at the end of this one. Maybe it's just my version of a happy ending? I got a lot of unvisited emotion here.
Add the [ing] at the end of [watch] in the second to last line; it adds just a little bit of softness to it. With the plain word [watch] it sounds as though you are wishing to be gone from the doorway. Your pacing is good, the internal logic is fine. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Abby
Wed, 2022-04-06 14:46
I like your language use and
I like your language use and the emotions conveyed in this poem.
"To fly is to fall."
Candlewitch
Wed, 2022-04-06 14:56
hello and welcome,
to Neopoet. I very much like your poem. it reminds me of my father. I wish I'd had more time with him. please treasure what you have. Geezer gives good critique and good advice ;)
please read and critique other Neopoet's poems.
*hugs, Cat
*
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