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FADING INTO OPAQUE--updated

Submitted by Geremia on Thu, 2012-03-22 18:09

FADING INTO OPAQE rewritten]
It was yesterday
I thought
I felt your breath
touch my hair
your heart beat inside
mine
and your eyes speak
of love’s fire …but
for another
I spend my nights
alone
and lonely are my dreams.
But as time rushes by
you begin to fade
into opaque
and I break
to lose you again

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

judyanne

Tue, 2012-04-03 12:20

judyanne's picture
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so sad, star-crossed love....
this is a very captivating write

one tiny thing - i'd suggest you lose the 'of' at the beginning of line 6

i'm very taken with the last lines
'you begin to fade
into opaque
and I break
to lose you again'
- beautifully said - so sad

love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Geremia

Tue, 2012-04-03 14:48

Geremia's picture

Thanks, Judy. Will make suggested change.

Joe

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