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Depths of Destruction
You, you evil substance,
You're narcissistic and have no balance,
Unstable on your feet,
Weak on your own,
Yes, I can tell by the tone,
The nuance is small,
But it's as vivid as you before me,
Asking for control of my world,
And I accepted foolishly,
My soul was damaged when you stole my power,
And took off Like a savage beast,
No feelings have you,
The contract you presented was compelling,
Still to this day has me dwelling,
On how many other lives you ruined for pleasure.
I can feel you when you entered my stream of blood,
Coursing through my veins,
I want you to return my reigns,
And stop playing me against others,
And most of all leave my thoughts, conscientiousness, and all,
I certainly wouldn't catch you if you were to fall,
From the highest cliff into the depths,
You derailed my being,
And changed my orientation to the world,
Like a twister as it whirls,
And hurled my life into disorder,
Taking me away from order,
Taking me in and out of institutions,
Which severed and separated my minds borders,
Rebellion was awakened,
But after all the destruction,
Was it worth what you've taken.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Mon, 2023-07-10 09:00
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Depths of Destruction" explores the destructive nature of an unnamed substance or force. The speaker describes this substance as evil, narcissistic, and unbalanced, emphasizing its negative impact on their life. The poem also touches on themes of power, control, and the consequences of accepting a harmful influence.
One suggestion for improvement is to provide more specific details and concrete imagery to enhance the reader's understanding of the substance and its effects. This could help create a stronger emotional connection and make the poem more engaging. For example, instead of using general terms like "evil substance," consider describing its appearance, smell, or physical sensations to make it more vivid and tangible for the reader.
Additionally, the poem could benefit from a clearer structure or progression of ideas. While the overall theme of destruction is evident, the poem jumps between different aspects without a clear narrative flow. Consider organizing the thoughts and experiences in a more cohesive manner, perhaps by exploring the speaker's journey from initial acceptance to eventual rebellion, or
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
Mon, 2023-07-10 19:31
I am...
of two minds here. On one hand, I am convinced that you are speaking
of a drug or addictive substance. On the other, it sounds like you might have a person in mind.
The use of adjectives that describe people, such as narcissistic, unstable, weak etc. are primarily used to
give a living being descriptions. If you have described people, your use of the adjectives are quite in tune
however, if they are used for inanimate objects, I suggest that you do a little rework.
The word you want, is [reins] not reigns. Good idea, just look at the terms used to describe inanimate and
living things. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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Tyler Jakeway
Sat, 2023-07-15 09:24
Thank you for the feedback.
Thank you for the feedback. The substance I am describing is methamphetamine and I am talking to it like I'm talking to a person in that sort of context. So guess both ideas you had are right.
Tyler jakeway
author commentGeezer
Sat, 2023-07-15 15:02
I was following...
that thought until you said in your last lines: "But after all the destruction, was it worth what you have taken?" I was thinking;
Why would he ask a drug, if it was worth it all? I think your intention was to ask it like it was retort coming from the drug. Yeah, I get it, I think with the right adjustments, this is a great poem. ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Tyler Jakeway
Sun, 2023-07-16 01:51
Much appreciated I know it's
Much appreciated I know it's a bit scatterbrained and messy, but These are a raw and unedited stream of consciousness that I just decided to leave as is. no restraint, restrictions or rules. in my situation editing stifles my spontaneously creative work, but I do appreciate you taking time to give me some pointers and complimenting on my work.
Tyler jakeway
author commentGeezer
Sun, 2023-07-16 07:21
Two thumbs up...
I'm sure that you will get along just fine here. I'm also sure that you will continue to write interesting and well-done work. ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.