Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Day and Night

Submitted by Rainy Day on Thu, 2016-03-17 04:14

The unrequited yearning
Aching with burning
As days abound keep turning
It twists into deepened hurting
Becomes fruitful in its wording
And with celestial flirting

Develops dreams that are vivid
Lustful, sweet and livid
In this bounty you prove driven
As I cry all is forgiven
Even with my entity slightly riven
I accept what is given

As we break the glass
Trying to loosen the grasp
Of the hand that turns the clasp
Breathing in a weary rasp
My heart wallows in the past
Of days that will everlast

When your mouth fed mine
And lingered elsewhere for a time
In full force you were thine
With honey and with brine
And of all beauty we did find
A palace in our minds

For the soul was just asleep
It did not flee or weep
But held tightly to its keep
And bare itself at our feet
In a brightly woven heap
Of love with fury deep

And we claimed it as one
Together to never be undone
Delivered in the birth of sons
To compare, there is none
Through day and night we run
Into the horizon of life's setting sun.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Geezer

Thu, 2016-03-17 12:52

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

Hip-Hop. I can appreciate the rhyme, as I am a essentially a rhymer myself. The rhythm is what throws me off. I think that the continuity and logic is consistent and makes a good work. If you want it to sound more like conventional poetry, I suggest that you work on the word syllable count. If in fact, it is Hip-Hop, good job!
~ Geezer.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

alidzain

Fri, 2016-03-18 18:51

alidzain's picture

Really admire your rhyming ability.

Alid

Esker

Fri, 2016-04-01 20:18

Esker's picture

like hip hop...took straight the story of lesson
and fear and threw it out there to the mainstream
culture to absorb....his witty poems
and his depression and doubts he had
turned in the pen and become his cry
of battle and indignation
the truth to the ordinary person
in an exceptionally clear and jive sound
work for the time that all could accept
a non sacharinne maudlin which for
the era was the cause and claus

I loved milton...john....made myself
read his works until I got the pattern
read the dictionary..
the pattern to see what he was
writing

sexton plath
then music of late
lyrics....

the seas of emotion
and writers devotion

thank U

..

lovedly

Wed, 2017-04-05 16:54

lovedly's picture

but being partially blind
i rarely read beyond a dozen lines
others say ur good
must be

Rainy Day

Mon, 2017-04-17 16:28

Rainy Day's picture

Thank you all for the kind comments. I'm truly glad you enjoyed this write and thank you all for the feedback. Sorry it's took me so long to reply. Thanks again!

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.