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A Dark Minds Vista

Submitted by Eduardo Cruz on Tue, 2012-02-21 17:31

The darkness of my cell
Keeps me still and quiet
As turmoil surrounds this hell

Laagering protecting my sanity
Has invited invaders into sanctuary
Distorting my self-made reality

Wild aborigine’s fire salvos
Cavorting in the flames of night
Their hellish dancing demands bravos

Not from where I am spectating
But from the vantage point of minions
While my walls begin incinerating

Out of the depths come cold fingers
Methodically pulling away at my gate
As I hear the canto of devilish singers

Their hymn repeats but music isn’t heard
Its vibrations seems to penetrate
a powerful surge is felt with each word

Building on every psychosis in my head
Fears fever rises like waves
Inside the place of my own dread

A thought finds a place to linger
Am I with them or them with me
Barriers burn like flaming fingers

They float into the air
Each holding its own hell
Returning to their hidden lair

I lay in the darkness of my cell
Is this my reality
Or is it my personal hell

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I'm starting to go dark again, to many conversations with Jess. hahaha!!
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

weirdelf

Thu, 2012-02-23 02:01

weirdelf's picture
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to me, but I can be stupid.

We will run a workshop soon on 'internal logic". I suggest it.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Eduardo Cruz

Fri, 2012-02-24 09:26

Eduardo Cruz's picture

A mind in turmoil sometimes breaths life into its own fears. barriers are set in place only to be pulled down by other fears. Giving to much thought to fears gives them life. The mind is powerful in what ever direction it decides to take, it is up to the indivitual to make the trip a good one. I believe to focus on the moment and not worry of the future that is not yet written, the pass is only a lesson, not where i live. what matters is what I do now. So tomorrow will not be why did I do that or this, that's when all the voices appear looking for answers to something that can't be changed. I just take the lesson and proceed forward with that as a guide for the now.

The old saying: "One day at a time" . We are domesticate to think far ahead as if we could control circustances, when our plans change course we become all thought wondering what when wrong. that's when all the voice again appear. We go and see someone that medicates us, and takes our money to listens. I am of the mind that we should just be honest with ourselves, we can only help ourselves with the truth. That truth of ourself, is different for each indivitual.

Fuck, I have said to much!
I am leaving it, because this is this moment and it needed to be said for me to read and hear as it came out of me.
Eddie
...

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

Candlewitch

Fri, 2012-02-24 12:18

Candlewitch's picture
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Dark and depressive. I like it. It is amazing the hell a mind can create, adding to the surroundings. Favorite lines:

Out of the depths come cold fingers
Methodically pulling away at my gate
As I hear the canto of devilish singers

Their stanza repeats but music isn’t heard
Its vibrations seems to penetrate
Sounding like a distant powerful surge

Building on every psychosis in my head
Fears fever rises like waves
Inside the place of my own dread

always, eddy (& cat)

*
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And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Eduardo Cruz

Sat, 2012-02-25 18:31

Eduardo Cruz's picture

These fears were created in us through domestication, to control us when we are born. We can not blame anyone for they were domesticated also. I believe if we recognize the fear for what they are. Control of our feelings and thoughts. Then and only then can we become evolved in free thinking. We will not project the old fear of our predecessor into our lives. (Religion is an inbreeded fear, it is just one of the many domestications)

Eddie
...

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

scribbler

Sat, 2012-02-25 19:46

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I recall an old movie titled Brazil. The protagonist escaped his tortured situation by retreating within his own mind.This reminds me of that movie. I came up with a few ideas for you to consider :
L-9 try Whose hellish dancing.........
L-12 change start to begin
L-16 try song instead of stanza
L-18 don't lose rhyme now! Try something like The same incessant throbbing word
L-24 Don't lose it here either as my walls part like burning fingers

SO SPEAKETH THE DARK LORD! or is it lard lmao.............stan

Eduardo Cruz

Sun, 2012-02-26 11:58

Eduardo Cruz's picture

Thanks, I made some changes. Per your suggestions but with my own twisted faith. Hahaha!

Thanks for the read!
Eddie
...

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

lowdownlady

Fri, 2012-03-02 22:56

lowdownlady's picture

This one's heavy! Very weighted. Stellar word choices, really sets the sinister tone.
I also like the subtle alliteration, very understated, rolls smoothly off the tongue: "dancing demands" "Barriers burn like flaming fingers"

Eduardo Cruz

Fri, 2012-03-02 23:05

Eduardo Cruz's picture

I am a dark poet, but every now and then I'll throw in a love poem.
thanks for the generous comment.
see you around the site!

Eddie
...

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment
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