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Always Content (Thanks Contest)
I'm thankful for the things I have,
and even for the things I don't.
You find this hard to understand,
so let me tell you why and how.
I'm thankful for whate'er God gifts;
the health, the spouse, the kids and more
a million things I ask in prayers,
He might answer, He might not,
for deep in heart I have the faith
(some might not at all agree),
that only what He has to give,
and only that, is good for me.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Contest:
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Jordan
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Comments
judyanne
Tue, 2015-11-03 04:17
beautiful Rula
A couple of suggestions
'for I have faith down and deep' .... is just a fraction awkward
can you think of another way to say it? - i know you don't like to use other's suggestions, so I'll leave you to think about it
Fourth verse seems a fraction long - can i suggest you drop the ' and how'?
'and million things I ask in prayers' .... make 'and' 'a'
'though some might not wholly agree' ... also seems a tad long...?drop 'wholly'
'and only that is good for me' .... put a comma after 'that'
Best of luck in the contest
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Tue, 2015-11-03 11:22
thank you dear Judy
For your thoughts.
Appreciate it.
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author commentraj
Tue, 2015-11-03 13:19
Good to read the poem apt in
Good to read the poem apt in the context of the contest theme and approaching Thanksgiving Day and also good to see you and Judy show great sporting spirit by helping each other inspite of both participating in the contest.
Best wishes to both of you.
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Tue, 2015-11-03 13:31
Thank you raj
Can't I convince you to participate :(
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author commentraj
Tue, 2015-11-03 13:35
Very sporting of you Rula to
Very sporting of you Rula to offer for me to participate. Thanks for that.
I will keep a tab on how you work on this further. Carry the winning streak of October into November.
Best of luck,
raj (sublime_ocean)
alidzain
Tue, 2015-11-03 13:36
Salam, Rula
I see you put the poem's writing style as ''Structured Western''. I thought it is more to free verse..Anyway this is a good write and I wish you the best for the contest.
Alid
Rula
Tue, 2015-11-03 13:52
Oops
I thought it IS structured.
Thanks for the visit and the comment.
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author commentBarbara Writes
Tue, 2015-11-03 15:26
Rula
I like the poem. Like Judy I thought if read awkward in a couple places. Line 4 may read better ad ''so let me explain how''. Since I'm training my brain in grammar and syntax, line 5 seems it should be ''God's gifts''. And
And line 8 read awkward. Hope you the best in the contest. I'm not the best at poetry critique. So if I'm off press on to greatness.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
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Rula
Wed, 2015-11-04 03:55
thank you barb.
I am unhappy with that line either.
I'll leave it for a while then see what edits needed.
Thank you.
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author commentjudyanne
Wed, 2015-11-04 04:37
if you'd like my opinion Rula
I would delete verses 3 anf 4 totally
verse 5 reads smoothly from verse 2
and I don't think your narrator needs to explain anything
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Wed, 2015-11-04 10:58
I understand dear
but you know this feeling when you like some lines (though they might sound rubbish) lol
I tried to keep all in tetrameter. Hope it's working.
STILL I like your suggestion. I might reconsider. You never know. )
Thank you
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author commentSparrow
Tue, 2015-11-03 18:51
Rula
A simple thanks to those things that sustain you and make you love them always, a great write,
Yours Ian. x
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
Rula
Wed, 2015-11-04 04:00
thank you Ian
I missed your active presence .
Welcome back.
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author commentscribbler
Tue, 2015-12-01 18:04
Hi Rula
We All have things to be thankful for don't we?..........stan