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2:23am
It's quiet, but my thoughts are alive
It's dark, but there are fireworks in my mind
It's still, but my soul rocks
It's calm, but the silence stops
It's peaceful, but something is abound
It's serene, but my ear hears a sound
A sound of someone I know
A sound of somewhere i've been
The smell of fresh air
The leaves in the wind
To a setting sun
Reminding me of your glow
From a coastal town
Forgotten long ago
The peace flows through me
And my body drifts to sleep
Goodnight my sweet
Let's dream tomorrow
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Thu, 2024-03-21 00:03
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem effectively uses contrast to convey the inner turmoil of the speaker. The juxtaposition of the external calmness and the internal chaos is striking and creates an engaging dynamic. However, the poem could benefit from more consistent use of imagery. While the first half of the poem uses abstract concepts, the second half introduces more concrete images such as "the smell of fresh air" and "the leaves in the wind". Consistency in the use of either abstract or concrete imagery would enhance the overall coherence of the poem.
The poem also uses a variety of sentence structures, which adds to its rhythmic quality. However, there is a lack of punctuation that makes the reading a bit challenging. Adding punctuation could help guide the reader through the poem and clarify the intended pauses and breaks.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more explicit exploration of the speaker's emotions. While the contrast between the external and internal world suggests turmoil, the specific nature of this turmoil remains unclear. Providing more details about the speaker's feelings could add depth to the poem and make it more emotionally resonant for the reader.
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Geezer
Thu, 2024-03-21 10:54
Maybe...
"For tomorrow is only a dream", seems just a little too cliche?
How about something like: "Goodnight my sweet
. Let's dream tomorrow.
For the most part, your language evokes a peaceful vision. A little poem to recite to your lover, in the moonlight.
~ Geezer.
.
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zach
Thu, 2024-03-21 18:50
agreed
Looking back I agree that it seems cliche, it would definitely benefit from a change. Thank you for your input :)
author commentLavender
Thu, 2024-03-21 11:52
2:23
Hello, Zach,
Welcome! How wonderful to have these serene, calm thoughts at 2:23 in the morning. The feeling and memory of love. You have a slight rhyme pattern here, but it appears to be mostly free verse. I like the way "sweet" and "dream" are close together at the end, they affirm such tranquil thoughts. But I agree with Geezer to rethink that final line...it truly is used quite a bit, and the rest of your beautiful poem is so unique.
I'm eager to read more of your work!
Thank you!
Lavender
zach
Thu, 2024-03-21 18:53
my thoughts
I certainly am not the first to use that last line, and I realize that it affects my poem's impact somewhat. Thank you for your kind thoughts and suggestions! :)
author commentKristen H.
Sun, 2024-03-24 17:46
Wow!
A well deserved win. Great poem!
Candlewitch
Sun, 2024-03-24 18:08
hey zach...
Congratulations on you win! good poem. well done!
* hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
William Lynn
Sun, 2024-03-24 18:14
Hello Zack.
Hello Zack.
Congratulations on your well deserved win!
Regarding the cliché, there isn't a one of who hasn't' included a cliché or two in our writings. I agree that a change would enhance your great poem, but a win is a win - run with it and be proud. - Will
Mary Beth Magee
Fri, 2024-03-29 00:51
Congratulations!
Powerfully evocative. There is a compelling dichotomy in each of the first six lines which had me wondering where you were heading...so many possibilities. Then you drew in the circle of "maybes" to wrap up the story. Well done.
Thank you,
Mary Beth
Because your words have touched my heart,
I stopped to share a little part.
Be nice, supportive, kind to all
As we walk through this Poetry Hall.