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10/15/2023

Submitted by Celso G. Tertins on Sun, 2023-10-15 10:40

I have not lived standing
balanced barefoot on box cutter's edge.
I once sought the balm of her voice
Laying in a pool of my own acidic longing
That dissolves and burns.

Today I grasp the immediate circle
Within my arm's reach,
Looking for signs of another intelligent life.
One that might beep in old morse code
or futuristic quantum speak,
Subatomic, inhuman, and cold.

A tall glass is nudged off the table
In clear liquid homicide.
Millions of arrowheads and daggers
Left scattered in the wake
Taunts in language of deep lacerations
And ill omens.

In the long, torturous churn of struggles
As men get snared in the assembly line order
Fighting for the last slice of artificial happiness pie.
The stars still move their irregular pilgrimage paths
With swiss clock precision, even in the fog of war.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Neopoem Of The Week October 15th To October 21st 2023
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2023-10-15 16:40

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "10/15/2023" explores themes of longing, isolation, and the search for meaning in a seemingly chaotic world. The imagery and language used effectively convey a sense of unease and uncertainty.

In terms of structure, the poem consists of five stanzas with varying line lengths. This creates a visually interesting layout and contributes to the overall flow of the poem. However, some lines could benefit from further refinement in order to enhance the poem's impact.

For example, in the second stanza, the phrase "Dissolving in a tub of chemical longing" is evocative, but it may be more effective to explore this idea in a more concrete and specific manner. Consider providing more details or imagery to help the reader visualize the experience of longing and its effects.

Additionally, the third stanza introduces the concept of searching for signs of intelligent life. While this idea is intriguing, the transition from the previous stanza feels somewhat abrupt. To create a smoother flow, you may

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Lavender

Mon, 2023-10-16 11:10

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Hello Celso,
A world filled with chaos. The final two powerful lines express just how small we are, and our arrogance and chaos are so futile and destructive.
Thank you,
L

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