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MR HAMISH
The sky was as black as the
the devil's heart. The moon
above looked like a
Silver Phantom wheel, it's
harpstrings shimmered
Onto the empty streets and
Foilage
It was that time again, yep hallo
fricken ween, and my big sister
is going to take me around all
the habitual houses so I can
get my thrill.
Our buckets where bulging
with treats,.
It was
starting to get late now
We had one more house to go
but everytime we braved going,
are guts would squeeze and
kick and scream, make excuses
so a foot couldn't be placed.
Mr Hamishes front porch
was shrouded with creaking
choked tobacco coloured trees
that stooped, like vultures over
a dead famished carcass,
or a rusty crooked hook
just like the curvature of
Mr Hamishes back and
mental morbid health.
His garden was unfilled,
with snarled black thorns,
emaciated grass
and impregnable flowers,
scattered with
germinating birds, bodies of
animals with no spirits.
detached with foul odour
It was an open graveyard.
The weather would change
to silver pelting bullets of
stinging rain.
but the worst was
locking eyes with that horror
it made something inside you
close up like an orchid and
ratlle like a shaky ladder.
His death screaming mask
and eyes that bulged, bubbling
pools of hatred that
pierced, pushing
through his sorbid window
Brain sick eyes as
wide as baseballs, taking
all the weaknesses from the
environment
filling them with nightmares.
Listening, waiting for any movements
With patience of a surgeon.
Are brains and blood would turn to
ice water, heart beating so fast
on the verge of exploding into
blood splatter any rational
thoughts
buried in that helpless
Paralysis state.
Eyes As bright
bursting fireworks, energetic as
a live wire, a wish whispered to
the stars.
He would rush out his door
with those flashlight haunting
eyes that cut a hole in the
dark to investigate
What young virgin he has
snared, to bag for the night,
to take away its innocence.
Like a sudden gust of autumn
wind you would be taken
and replaced with numbness
or a body bag.
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Comments
neopoet
Tue, 2024-10-15 11:30
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem, "Mr Hamish," presents a vivid and chilling narrative that effectively captures the suspense and fear associated with Halloween traditions. The use of descriptive language and imagery is commendable, as it paints a clear picture of the setting and the characters involved.
However, there are a few areas that could benefit from revision. First, the poem contains several typographical errors and inconsistencies in punctuation that disrupt the flow and comprehension. For instance, "are buckets where bulging" should likely be "our buckets were bulging," and "animals with know spirits" might be intended as "animals with no spirits." These errors can distract readers from the intended narrative and emotional impact.
Second, the poem could benefit from more consistent use of metaphors and similes. While some comparisons, such as "the sky was as black as the devil's heart," are striking, others, like "brain sick eyes as wide as baseballs," may not convey the intended image or emotion as effectively.
Lastly, the poem's structure could be improved for readability. The inconsistent line lengths and abrupt changes in rhythm can make the poem difficult to follow. Establishing a more consistent rhythm or pattern could enhance the overall flow and impact of the poem.
In conclusion, while the poem effectively conveys a chilling narrative with vivid imagery, improvements in grammar, consistency in metaphors, and structure could enhance its overall impact and readability.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Candlewitch
Tue, 2024-10-15 07:39
Dear Joker,
This is a fantastic spooky write, with layers and layers of texture! I really liked these lines, to begin with:
The weather would change
to silver pelting bullets of
stinging rain.
but the worsed was (worsed should be worst)
Locking eyes with that horror
it made something inside you
close up like an orchid.
then:
Are brains and blood would turn to
ice water, heart beating so fast
on the verge of exploding into
blood splatter any rational
thoughts
buried. And in that helpless
Paralysis state.
all the lines, building into a blinding blur...I was breathing harder as I read this masterpiece! I think you have a winner, here! It certainly opened up my eyes, more so than my morning coffee!
*hugs, Cat
*respectfully, eddy styx
*
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Candlewitch
Tue, 2024-10-15 08:24
p.s.
this is where it turns sorrowful:
What young virgin he has
snared, to bag for the night,
to take away its innocence.
and replace it with numbness
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Jokerface82
Tue, 2024-10-15 09:04
Thanks cat
Yeah it needs a few changes but I'm happy with it ty
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