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RAIN ON A TIN ROOF (tiny edit)

An all night winter rain and storm;
outside it's cold, in here its warm
while sitting before a gas log fire
we watch the tube and conspire.

The rain upon a roof of tin
sometimes can cause an awful din
causing us to raise our voices
while we discuss our program choices.

But at least this heavy rain
is not joined by sleet's refrain
or accompanied by forming ice.
Losing electric is not so nice.

At last I retire toward the bed
accompanied by the girl I wed.
We'll let the tinny lullaby
soothe us to sleep bye and bye.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 


so much better to have (intimate) company on days/nights like these.
And if we've no place to go... let it snow/rain/hail/sleet.... all to its content.

'write on! let these words free.'

indeed it is...............scribbler

author comment

as soon as the line was written, I thought Shirley won't let this get by lol..................stan

author comment

Oh lovely Stan, I love the sound of the rain on the tent as I am tucked in my warm sleeping bag, its extra fine as a contrast. I have said it before that if you want to hear my sound, then buy Danish Mints and crunch them i your moth and you will hear the same sound.

But the is was the tin roof, maybe there's someone here on Neopoets who lives in Australia and has a tin roof too as they often have there?

I enjoy your little episodes in your life, they are warm and sensed so well, then made into little songs of poetry for us to share. Thank you Stan and my love to you both, Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

I just hope friends in Australia still HAVE a roof over their heads..............stan

author comment

There is a tenderness in the intimacy of this most humble work. Where two are content in their surroundings and environment.

The only thing I might change would be to keep syllable counts consistent in each line. Some of the rhyme sounds a bit forced as well. For example:

"The sound of rain on roof of tin
sometimes can cause an awful din"

May sound a bit smoother as:

"Our life have never been sound proof
much like the rain on our tin roof
and causes us to raise our voice
deciding on a program choice."

(took a liberty here - but only my opinion)

All in all, this piece holds the classic charm of tenderness in verse and finds a place that everyone can relate to in life.

Very strong and quite enjoyable. Thank you. A good read this morning. ~Pamela

.. .

~"It's ALL about the Poetry~

Please join us in The Shark Pool

No time for edit this morning, but will keep your ideas in mind when I do.Thanks for the suggestions and kind words.................scribbler

author comment

... comments on the rhythm, so I'll confine my comments to that. Apologies in advance for their being critical.

I know that regularity of meter in not necessarily the be-all and end-all of poetry. However, I believe that you're striving for it here. You classify the poem as 'Western classical' (I know we don't have much choice in the matter of these classifications) for a start. The stall you set out is iambic tetrameter. The most obvious characteristic of that rhythm, to a reader, is that he or she expects that it should continue throughout the poem - you could say that the first line establishes the heartbeat of the poem, it's what draws the reader in and on, it's a very compelling rhythm.

The first two lines are regular iambic tetrameter, no question, but then lines come which are anything but. Line three could be regularised by substituting 'by' for 'before', line four seems to miss a stressed syllable between 'and' and 'conspire'. The following stanzas vary the prosody in similar ways.

Now, there is nothing inherently wrong with breaking rhythmic patterns if that's what we really want to do. However I think was need to be aware of this particular pitfall - what we lead our readers to expect by the initial rhythm.


Nah pop no style, a strickly roots.

No need to apologize for being critical. The only training I had in poetry was a few weeks way back in high school. So the fact that I break rhythm should come as little surprise. I am slowly soaking up a bit of knowledge on poetry from well meaning writers and readers on site though and hope to one day be able to get where writing is technically correct. I am continuously reviewing and editing old work ( as evidenced here) and will keep your suggestions in mind when this gets its next edit. Thank you for the time to read and comment..........scribbler

author comment
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