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WAKING RHYME (final revision)
I didn't sleep again today, it sucks
but that is my usual insomniac way
running, drugs, bad books don't aid
it doesn't help to run away,
I've considered a blade.
I'll get up and walk around, even run
for no productive purpose i can see
my general premise isn't a sound one
but I'll be the best that I can be
so wash and eat, the basics help
even if it seems inept to do
I ask you, seriously?
what would you do?
This poem was a woeful whinge, it's true
but to write is better than to slit
which if things don't get better soon
it might come down to it.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
Not happy with this.
I might try again later.
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Comments
scribbler
Sat, 2012-08-25 22:29
Hi
My brother once told me while he was losing his battle with cancer that he was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Yet he battled on even so. Your edit conveys a similar resignation along with defiant resolve. As to the rhyme pattern you cheated a bit by using 5 lines in first stanza (that will be for later shop) but other than that the mid poem change in pattern really kept SS from being established. Well done.................stan
Rula
Sat, 2012-08-25 23:35
I loved the edit
Can't call you a cheater as you've only done it on the first stanza.
Why don't you try the good books , they may help.:)
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weirdelf
Thu, 2012-08-30 05:34
I've been reading "Inspirational" books lately
you know, like Stephen Robbins, and they do help, though the relentlessness cheerfulness shits me to tears
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Seren
Sun, 2012-08-26 06:37
This poem speaks of hope lost
This poem speaks of hope lost until the last stanza
made me worry for you tbh .... the poem does its best
drawing the reader in so not a total loss
its nice to read everyone again ive missed that spark
that gets the mind and inspiration going
cheers JC
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
weirdelf
Thu, 2012-08-30 05:36
You know what the nature of Jess is?
I don't have to remind you.
Monkey.
I'll be ok, just physical health problems have exacerbated mental health issues lately.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Esker
Sun, 2012-08-26 14:50
Silvia and Sexton were very brave
and they lived! amazing larger then life
in the myth
I myself have considered it when the depression
comes down off the rabid highs
the complete creative storm gone
including will and hope or faith
they say thats when you find faith
not until that time
sometimes
sometimes you get it when you have
it all the rolex the accura the trophy wife
I wouldnt know
I value myself though
I start there
like my poetry
which is a part of who Iam
even H Thomspon turned to the American
way with his gun
Burroughs just shot his woman
and with his wealth got away with it
Keep writing
write about pain
nothing like being knackered
and done
to bring out the blues
some of the greatest music
came from the blues
compassionate songs
about Love
Sid slew Nancy
on and on it goes
I just wake up keep going
and continue to write
hope is there
it just has to be found
weirdelf
Thu, 2012-08-30 05:37
we have so much in common
much good much bad,
your comment reminded me of myself,
thank you.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry