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Mathew
They saw you as a single atom of this earth,
in my eyes there was no defining your worth.
Ready for laughter, always your smiling face,
around you everything was lined with grace.
i wish there was a reason for you to stay,
that i could say how much i miss you each day
memories of you are now flawless works of art
that hang with beauty on the walls of my heart.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
for my brother.♥ i love you.
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Roscoe Lane
Sat, 2012-02-25 05:27
I hesitate,
I hesitate to give criticism, as i fear this may be a very personal piece. But i have some ideas to share that may inhance this beautiful poem.
They saw you as a single atom of this earth,
in my eyes there was no defining your worth.
Ready for laughter, always your smiling face,
around you everything was lined with grace.
i wish there was a reason for you to stay,
that i could say how much i miss you each day..
the finnishing two lines are perfect in my eyes. Regards Roscoe..
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
Starlight
Sat, 2012-02-25 08:03
thank you
dont be hesitant i like honesty. and that sounds much better , i think i will change them now :)
Starlight
Sat, 2012-02-25 08:04
thank you
thank you mark
Candlewitch
Sat, 2012-02-25 13:31
Dear Starlight,
A lovely tribute. I enjoyed the read. Your brother must be very proud of you.
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Starlight
Sat, 2012-02-25 13:58
thank you
for reading :)
Eduardo Cruz
Mon, 2012-02-27 12:08
damn Girl!
fourteen years lod and written like this, I am so impressed. My granddaugther whose thirteen writes also, but you are in a place by yourself at fourteen.
Eddie
A big hearty welcome to neopoet
"land of the freed peots"
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
Starlight
Mon, 2012-02-27 15:05
thank you
thanks so much, :)
loved
Mon, 2012-02-27 12:57
memories of you are now flawless works of art that hang with bea
memories of you are now flawless works of art
that hang with beauty on the walls of my heart.
this reminds me of a poem
i once wrote at your age
then
The Truant
my ma'am took it away..
today its just a memory
down bitter memory lan
no copy held
loved
Starlight
Mon, 2012-02-27 15:07
thank you
thanks for reading. :) ♥
loved
Tue, 2012-02-28 13:43
You do inspire kid gal...
do read some
which are consequence of a teenager's inspiration
you are a great source of light
for dying flames
loved
emogothgirl
Wed, 2012-02-29 08:20
♥
it's beautiful.
weirdelf
Wed, 2012-02-29 23:21
oh dear! be so, so careful of ever using the word beauty
in a poem.
This is the least of your works I've seen. It feels a bit like a teen lament, though well written.
It's ok to post everything if you can take the heat for what doesn't quite work.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Starlight
Thu, 2012-03-01 07:31
thank you
for reading. feedback is greatly appreciated .