Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Carnal Grin
Carnal grin , a sensuality
that makes me sin.
Out of control
A one to one connection
As I crave the warmth of your skin
Melt down.
Two bodies melding,
pulsating, undulating
as one.
Sample and savour,
I long to drink you in,
for a physical reaction.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Kailashana2
Sun, 2010-12-05 05:26
Sounds like an atomic
Sounds like an atomic reaction, waiting to happen.
:-)
On a more personal note, I too, had that incredible desire, need, want.... I am certain that what we want most will most certainly come to be. May the love of your life walk in now.
~
lou
Sun, 2010-12-05 06:11
Anna
Thank you , i'm glad that you enjoyed it.
lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
scribbler
Sun, 2010-12-05 07:41
grin
Isn't it odd the messages that can be relayed in " that look "? Line 6 :you might try beginning it with " A " to see if it improves it in your opinion...........................scribbler
lou
Sun, 2010-12-05 16:19
Stan and Xena
i used the word grin, because it can convey,wickedness, of many kinds.
thank you
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Loreli
Sun, 2010-12-05 17:35
I wickedly grinned
..as I read this. To quote Xena, "...this is HOT".
Peace,
Lori
lou
Sun, 2010-12-05 23:05
Lori
I'm pleased that my poem had the desired effect
Louise
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
loved
Sun, 2010-12-05 19:06
Like sweet arsenic
Like the effect of
sweet bitter arsenic
in orange juice,
they now have discovered
arsenic poison is good too ,
it took them years
to so do
that's how vibrations
in unison help u so
perhaps to orgasm
and avoid arsenic spam
loved
lou
Sun, 2010-12-05 23:07
Loved
Thanks
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Hooded Stranger
Mon, 2010-12-06 06:25
Lou,
Lou,
Great write indeed and I love the title...it grabs you right away.
I have a suggestion: Every middle line of each stanza, other than stanza two rhymes (sin, undulating, in.). I am not sure that was your intention, but if you re-arrange the second stanza:
A one to one connection
As I crave the warmth of your skin
Melt down.
The whole piece then has a great flow and tempo...trying chanting it out...the rhyming makes it flow and gives it some more energy.
Obviously if you didn't want any rhyme, you may have to change the other verses.
Whatever you do, I think it is great.
I know you pretty well and can understand your thoughts and feelings behind this one.
HS
--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.
lou
Mon, 2010-12-06 11:10
Longo
Thanks
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Kailashana2
Mon, 2010-12-06 06:44
Thoughts.... to use, or
Thoughts.... to use, or dismiss:
Carnal grin
a sensuality
out of control
I crave you
two bodies melding,
pulsating, undulating
Sampling and savouring
longing to drink you in,
you are my sin.
~Anna
lou
Mon, 2010-12-06 10:19
Anna
Thanks I will take look at it
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
lou
Mon, 2010-12-06 06:58
HS
HS
i'm pleased this poem has had a positive reaction. I'll take a look at what you have suggested.
Yes I knew you would understand the inspiration .
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
mand
Mon, 2010-12-06 10:26
Hiya Lou
I agree with Xena, Hot and steamy - excellent poem from an excellent poetess.
Love Mand xxxxx
lou
Mon, 2010-12-06 11:12
Mand
Thank you very much
Love Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
themoonman
Mon, 2010-12-06 11:31
Hi Lou ...
I liked your poem, could be because I'm in tune with
the "carnal" side, the sly knowing grin of it ... that being
said I did feel that a couple of words were a bit "formal"
for the content, at least for me, I see no-one else has
said anything but ... "undulating", and "physical reaction",
might just be me ... anyway, thanks for the read, enjoyed
it.
Richard
lou
Mon, 2010-12-06 16:14
Richard
I take your point
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Candlewitch
Wed, 2010-12-08 15:40
Dear Lou,
Wow! Very hot and appealing! I really liked:
A one to one connection
As I crave the warmth of your skin
Melt down.
Great imagery here.
love, cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
lou
Wed, 2010-12-08 17:39
Cat
Thank you I'm really glad you enjoyed it
Love Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!