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Carnal Grin

Submitted by lou on Sun, 2010-12-05 04:01

Carnal grin , a sensuality
that makes me sin.
Out of control

A one to one connection
As I crave the warmth of your skin
Melt down.

Two bodies melding,
pulsating, undulating
as one.

Sample and savour,
I long to drink you in,
for a physical reaction. 

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Kailashana2

Sun, 2010-12-05 05:26

Sounds like an atomic reaction, waiting to happen.

:-)

On a more personal note, I too, had that incredible desire, need, want.... I am certain that what we want most will most certainly come to be. May the love of your life walk in now.

~

lou

Sun, 2010-12-05 06:11

lou's picture

Thank you , i'm glad that you enjoyed it.

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

scribbler

Sun, 2010-12-05 07:41

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Isn't it odd the messages that can be relayed in " that look "? Line 6 :you might try beginning it with " A " to see if it improves it in your opinion...........................scribbler

lou

Sun, 2010-12-05 16:19

lou's picture

i used the word grin, because it can convey,wickedness, of many kinds.

thank you

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

Loreli

Sun, 2010-12-05 17:35

Loreli's picture

..as I read this. To quote Xena, "...this is HOT".

Peace,
Lori

lou

Sun, 2010-12-05 23:05

lou's picture

I'm pleased that my poem had the desired effect

Louise

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

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loved

Sun, 2010-12-05 19:06

loved's picture

Like the effect of
sweet bitter arsenic
in orange juice,
they now have discovered
arsenic poison is good too ,
it took them years
to so do
that's how vibrations
in unison help u so
perhaps to orgasm
and avoid arsenic spam

loved

lou

Sun, 2010-12-05 23:07

lou's picture

Thanks

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Mon, 2010-12-06 06:25

Hooded Stranger's picture

Lou,

Great write indeed and I love the title...it grabs you right away.

I have a suggestion: Every middle line of each stanza, other than stanza two rhymes (sin, undulating, in.). I am not sure that was your intention, but if you re-arrange the second stanza:

A one to one connection
As I crave the warmth of your skin
Melt down.

The whole piece then has a great flow and tempo...trying chanting it out...the rhyming makes it flow and gives it some more energy.

Obviously if you didn't want any rhyme, you may have to change the other verses.

Whatever you do, I think it is great.

I know you pretty well and can understand your thoughts and feelings behind this one.

HS

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lou

Mon, 2010-12-06 11:10

lou's picture

Thanks

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

Kailashana2

Mon, 2010-12-06 06:44

Thoughts.... to use, or dismiss:

Carnal grin
a sensuality
out of control

I crave you
two bodies melding,
pulsating, undulating

Sampling and savouring
longing to drink you in,
you are my sin.

~Anna

lou

Mon, 2010-12-06 10:19

lou's picture

Thanks I will take look at it

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

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lou

Mon, 2010-12-06 06:58

lou's picture

HS

i'm pleased this poem has had a positive reaction. I'll take a look at what you have suggested.

Yes I knew you would understand the inspiration .

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

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mand

Mon, 2010-12-06 10:26

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I agree with Xena, Hot and steamy - excellent poem from an excellent poetess.

Love Mand xxxxx

lou

Mon, 2010-12-06 11:12

lou's picture

Thank you very much

Love Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

themoonman

Mon, 2010-12-06 11:31

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I liked your poem, could be because I'm in tune with
the "carnal" side, the sly knowing grin of it ... that being
said I did feel that a couple of words were a bit "formal"
for the content, at least for me, I see no-one else has
said anything but ... "undulating", and "physical reaction",
might just be me ... anyway, thanks for the read, enjoyed
it.

Richard

lou

Mon, 2010-12-06 16:14

lou's picture

I take your point

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

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Candlewitch

Wed, 2010-12-08 15:40

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Wow! Very hot and appealing! I really liked:

A one to one connection
As I crave the warmth of your skin
Melt down.

Great imagery here.

love, cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

lou

Wed, 2010-12-08 17:39

lou's picture

Thank you I'm really glad you enjoyed it

Love Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

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