Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Time goes round in a straight line
When we check the time,
noticing that check also means stop,
with a clock or watch with hands that go round,
now like seconds,
in the now like minutes
or resonating in the now like hours,
like the Earth around itself,
around the sun,
in the near infinite now of the spiraling Galaxy
We are in and out of time and myth.
Free.
When we read a digital display
of this thing we call time,
the number gets bigger each time you look.
Digital time drags us inexorably to our deaths.
The bugger.
I like a sunrise,
a morning birdsong,
a shrinking shadow,
the timelessness of a story
I am forever unwrapping the eternal present.
Reading at-
https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/time-goes-round-in-a-straight-line
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
a lot of my inspiration comes from Science. Especially physics, mathematics and cosmology. This particular poem was inspired by a book called "Pip Pip: A Sideways Look at Time" by Jay Griffiths. It explores Time as a political subject, showing how indigenous cultures have diverse ways of considering time (past, present and future) but illustrating how one, single, European time is colonizing all these varieties of time. It is a manifesto for cyclical time and for the times of nature, of carnival, of play: and argues that women’s time is different from men’s.
And the beauty of old timepieces.
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
whitetea
Fri, 2011-02-25 05:37
>
kairos and kronos.
Kailashana2
Fri, 2011-02-25 08:13
(((((((Whitetea))))))))
(((((((Whitetea))))))))
Welcome back!
~A
Geezer
Fri, 2011-02-25 06:24
This is...
very revealing. This makes me feel that you have thought a great deal about time, and our place in and with it. Time is subjective... Projecting ourselves forward, standing still with it, and retreating in it, are what we all do. The philosophical nature of us all, leads to differences in the amount of time that we spend in every mode. You seem to move easily in each phase, and I look forward, to the work that you do in every one of them. Given the nature and tone of this work, I think that [deaths] is a slightly too strong word. I would rather see the word as end. ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
weirdelf
Fri, 2011-02-25 07:33
Thanks Geezer,
but you know where a lot of my inspiration comes from? Science. Especially physics, mathematics and cosmology. This particular poem was inspired by a book called "Pip Pip: A Sideways Look at Time" Jay Griffiths' first book, it explores Time as a political subject, showing how indigenous cultures have diverse ways of considering time (past, present and future) but illustrating how one, single, European time is colonizing all these varieties of time. It is a manifesto for cyclical time and for the times of nature, of carnival, of play: and argues that women’s time is different from men’s.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
themoonman
Fri, 2011-02-25 07:50
Jess ...
I do like the poem, love the last line in it, it is one I
wish I'd written. Your second line (in parenthesis),
to me is unneeded, it may be my total hatred for the
use of parenthesis in poetry, I rarely make it past any
use of them, but this is your poem, so I continued, and
was glad I did. I think the "now like" is good on one line,
but becomes a distraction quickly for me, and again, it
just may be me and my own dislike for repetition, unless
it enhances a statement, and in this case, (to me), it does
not, if you do keep them in, then perhaps a comma, or
even a hyphen may make it a smoother statement.
I also thought the comma between Myth and free unneeded,
and would make it a stronger statement.
just suggestions Jess ...
Richard
Kailashana2
Fri, 2011-02-25 08:14
the last line comes from many
the last line comes from many holy books...
it's one we all write.
Thanks Jess.
~A
weirdelf
Fri, 2011-02-25 08:28
Richard
I'm right with you on the parentheses
but couldn't think of another way to say it.
Check means stop but it also means examine. I am totally open to suggestions here.
Can't agree with you on the "now like". to me it works as poetic repetition.
Also got to disagree on myth and free.
We are in and out of time and myth, FULLSTOP
Free
Thanks for your valuable input and if you can think of any way to fix that parentheses problem my ears are wide open. I'll give you a co-writers credit.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
themoonman
Fri, 2011-02-25 08:33
Jess ...
Let me think about the parenthesis thing, but the myth,
what about making it "time and myths (for there are many)"
and then some describing word before "free", would make
it more readably smooth ( or not, just something off the top
of my head) ...
Thanks Jess,
Richard
Psyve
Fri, 2011-02-25 10:25
Jess
Thought provoking: This concept of the cyclic nature of time in our conciousness: the face of the clock, the earth going around the sun, the cycle of seasons.... versus this relatively new range "other" way of looking at time digitally... unidirectionally.... numbers increasing only ( the reset to 00:00:00 after 23:59:59 hardly seems cyclic).
I like the complete change of pace in the last 5 lines... this is the poet speaking, to my mind.
Particularly the last line which is beautifully expressed..
"I am forever unwrapping the eternal present...."
I read two meanings into this last line : if "Present" means "gift" ... the gift of time which we are continuously unwrapping..... if "Present" means "the NOW" that opens a whole new meaning.... the ETERNAL NOW.
Thank you, I enjoyed this read very much.
Psyve
Race_9togo
Fri, 2011-02-25 10:38
Jess
I like this one very much.
Concerning brackets:
When you check the time
(notice check also means stop)
with a watch or clock with hands that go round,
when you check the time
- notice check means stop as well -
with a watch or clock with hands that circle
or something similar?
stanza 2, line one, I would use "display" instead of "representation", I think that would improve the flow, which broke down a bit for me, on that line.
Science and Spirituality...are diametrcally opposed only in other people's minds, heehee. They are in reality two halves of the same whole.
"With the heart and mind united
in a single,
perfect,
sphere...."
Rush, Hemisphere's....
...published such a long time ago it makes me feel old just thinking about it.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
themoonman
Fri, 2011-02-25 10:43
Jess ...
When you stop to check time .... everyone stops to check
their watch, or whatever time piece they are checking, the now
keeps right on rolling, but we've stopped for at least a second,
to check.
scribbler
Fri, 2011-02-25 11:01
greetings
I'm gonna comment now.....damn too late......I'll do it NOW......not fast enough. Guess I'll comment in the very recent past lol. I liked the read but have a few ideas you can consider. To eliminate parentheses you could write: which also means stop. An alternative for part of poem :
now like seconds
in the now
like minutes
or resonating the present like hours
as the Earth itself
circling the sun
Also seems to be too many now's and likes in here, but I've no idea how to avoid them. Just a few ideas from a beginner...............scribbler
Orphani
Fri, 2011-02-25 15:52
the significance of this
the significance of this piece to me is in the deconstruct of our perceptions of time. Time being a measurement of motion. I remember summer vacation from school, when I was a kid, seemed to last measurably longer than the few months it actually encompassed. A fly lives for only a few days, but this is relative to its metabolism which is hyper. Time being stretched in perception by the quantity of activity expended in a relative amount of time.
As poets it is essential to step out of our preconceived ideas to grasp their limitations; time itself being a case in point. Tuning our perceptions by keen observation to the seeming truth of our understandings, and yet keeping an open mind to the possibility that we may be totally wrong will make us more honest in our poetry. We are what we like and dislike.
the first stanza could be consolidated to improve the flow a bit, although the repetition of the "now" I feel enriches the concept it conveys.
The second stanza was a little to clinical for my liking. It read like a journal
description.
The following stanzas were to me well conveyed and softened the piece to a heart felt level that blended the science within the heart. All in all a worthwhile read.
B
Kailashana2
Fri, 2011-02-25 15:57
When you check the time
When you check the time
(in effect, stopping time for the moment)
with a watch or clock with hands that go round,
now like seconds,
in the now like minutes
or resonating in the now like hours,
....something like that Jess, I think, might do the trick, you can then keep the parentheses and you make your point simultaneously, so to speak...
~A
weirdelf
Mon, 2011-02-28 14:30
My favorite ending to a story Ir ead once
"Goliath" by Neil Gaiman
was
"The last twenty minutes have been the best years of my life"
Thanks bee
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Tue, 2011-03-01 11:47
We know where you are!
and we're coming to take you away ha! ha!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnzHtm1jhL4
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
loved
Sun, 2011-12-04 03:21
Simply
beautiful...
a great sense of reality .
well done
loved
weirdelf
Sun, 2011-12-04 03:31
thank you, Loved
it was inspired by a wonderful book called "Pip Pip: A Sideways Look at Time" by Jay Griffiths. Kind of a feminist/wiccan/socialist look at the human constructs of time.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
wesley snow
Sun, 2011-12-04 15:43
Nothing need be said about this...
... that others have not, so I'll just thank you for the link, tell you I still hate free verse and mention that I like the perspective (as old and "parenthetical" as it may be).
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
Lonnie
Wed, 2013-10-09 13:55
Amazing
This is by far the best I have ever seen from you! It has an exquisite theme, very pronounced use of language, and imagery to die for! My respect for you as a poet has grown exponentially!
weirdelf
Wed, 2013-10-09 14:05
thanks lonnie
actually it is a re-post learning to use the voice recording techniques Beau is teaching us.I've got no problem recording voice poems onto my computer, linking them to the text poem is the hard part.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Wed, 2013-10-09 14:42
oo oo oo it worked!
Beau is brilliant. Just click on the link in the poem to hear me reading it.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Rula
Wed, 2013-10-09 16:21
No way!!
I was the first to submit a recording on Neo.
Does this imply that girls (Beau and I) are smarter than boys? (smiles)
It was nice to hear you reading this though. It certainly adds a new dimension to the poem.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
weirdelf
Wed, 2013-10-09 16:46
sorry rula,
perhaps you forgot to post it to Beaus workshop.I will look for it now.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Rula
Wed, 2013-10-09 16:49
It's on
Wesley's Workshop. My last submission" attaining a promising verse" :)
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
weirdelf
Wed, 2013-10-09 17:00
just for the record,
I was the first person to post spoken word poetry on Neopoet, years ago when it was a built in feature.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Rula
Wed, 2013-10-09 17:03
Prove it
:) just kidding. Boys win ha?
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
weirdelf
Wed, 2013-10-09 17:29
sorry rula,
perhaps you forgot to post it to Beaus workshop.I will look for it now. Oh, you posted it to Wesley's Bottom Line. Perhaps you could edit the title to mention is has spoken word link.
love the poem.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Ian.T
Wed, 2013-10-09 18:06
Jess
It's great to hear the poets voice again, I think the last time many moons ago there was a Kookaburra shouting in the background.
I enjoyed it a lot then and it sounds even better now.
I shall have to look into it or speak into it one day, but was trying to keep the Neopoets safe lol.
Well spoken on all of these new ones, Yours as always Ian.
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
Barbara Writes
Sun, 2013-10-13 00:39
Jess
Very good there's nothing like hearing the poet voice
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
Barbara Writes
Mon, 2017-03-13 23:26
Love the theme
We are one with nature as nature is us;
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
Esker
Tue, 2017-03-14 01:17
a sensitive peice..calibrated with vision and notation
last line of this is my favorite
i had not slowed enough when
this first was posted
but lately am taking care to focus
my addled ego
Very well crafted
Jess with vivid thoughts
about our singularity as
mortals with an expiry date
immensely liked this very much
Esker!
weirdelf
Tue, 2017-03-14 04:56
Thank you all
For kind comments and immensely valuable feedback.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
wesley snow
Sat, 2017-04-08 16:34
The timelessness of a story.
yes.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
Esker
Sat, 2017-04-08 17:10
auld timepieces
makes me want to get nother watch
got into Bulovas for awhile
had an old caravelle self winder
and then a Marine Star
both beautiful affordable
arm bling
here we can hear the train yard
noon whistle....a small town they
used to fire up the siren atop
the water tank
which I wonder was there as
air raid siren...doubt it
but who knows
time and science fiction
never thought of time as a
theme in that context
but u are perfectly correct
Elf
and shrinking shadow
excellent line
thank U
Mr Wolf!
weirdelf
Mon, 2017-04-10 03:17
It's not that hard, sister and brother poets,
if you've got a laptop the microphone is built in, if you have a desktop 'puter you only need to plug in a microphone, better still a headset with mike.
Imagine! Imagine! If we could all hear each other in our own accents and dialects!
I've quite despaired of this when I assumed all poets were technically illiterate but now it is possible.
Let's hear each other!
Soundcloud to keep, archival, or Vocaroo http://vocaroo.com/ temporary for workshops.
I would so much love to hear your voices.
Remember poetry was spoken word for thousands of years before written language.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
IRiz
Tue, 2018-03-20 10:23
Great treat for my morning. Thank you.
I can hear you are reading it.
Here is my answer you have inspired me to write:
Time
In a constant struggle between
development and degradation,
in fear and trembling,
I feel Time is my most hated lover.
One more reassuring touch,
a kiss and a stroke along
my shivering spine --
a wrinkle at the cost
of knowing that
I am better than before today
and not necessarily tomorrow.
Leaving my pleading glances
thoroughly ignored,
Time likes to play with me.
IRiz
weirdelf
Tue, 2018-03-20 14:11
"I can hear you are reading it."?
I didn't think I'd done a reading. Done a new one anyway with effects. Link is at the bottom of the poem and here-
https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/time-goes-round-in-a-straight-line
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
IRiz
Tue, 2018-03-20 17:54
I meant it sounds in my head.
I meant it sounds in my head.
IRiz
IRiz
Thu, 2018-03-22 08:43
The recording is interesting
The recording is interesting but the picture with it is about something completely different and distracting a bit to my opinion. :):)
IRiz
weirdelf
Thu, 2018-03-22 09:29
you're right
it's back to hairy ole me
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Tue, 2018-03-20 20:27
thank you kindly sir
retire? Don't you fucking dare.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
vandiemenspeak
Thu, 2018-03-22 06:07
And here is my non-linear recording
Loved this - great to discover. The last line is an absolute killer (or creator) listen:
https://soundcloud.com/user528181418/time-goes-round-in-a-straight-line
Cheers,
Chris.
Chris Hall - Tasmania
Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.
weirdelf
Thu, 2018-03-22 09:34
cool!
ta Chris, I do believe in the healing powers of hearing our works in another voice. Your reading suggested to me a small but improving edit.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
vandiemenspeak
Sat, 2018-03-24 08:43
Well bugger me (for Mark's benefit) - glad it helped.
Vernacular aside, this is a great piece to read, don't bugger around with it too much..:) (Sorry Mark).
Cheers,
Chris
Chris Hall - Tasmania
Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.
Eumolpus
Fri, 2018-03-23 16:56
your poem
from 2011...I do not know the revisions you might have made. I agree with many of the posted comments, I think it's a good poem, develops nicely.
I would like to suggest ...
When dealing with metaphysical abstracts rather than make them a universal truth by using "you", keeping the whole poem in the "I" would make the whole poem more personal and believable in that as the "statements" are coming from you..like "We are in and out of time and myth."
to "I am in and out of time and myth" I cannot question you, you are taking a poetic metaphysical
stance from your universe. When you say "we" I am distracted to ask myself what that means because it's about me. It is not always possible to make all the statements personal in this type of poem, but this poem is strongest in the last part when you introduce yourself and I think would be strongest if all done in the first person.
In the second stanza, I think Bugger is too cute. It does not add...Using it right after the whole concept of the digital time, the numbers growing surrealistically, , and death, That whole idea is most interesting, in contrast to the hands of time.
It is very hard to pull off a poem dealing with such abstraction and paradoxes, and i think this poem has a lot going for it.
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
weirdelf
Fri, 2018-03-23 19:12
"I do not know the revisions you might have made."
Click on the 'Revisions' tab. Haven't you found that yet? It is an important Neopoet tool, especial if you have protegees. Aren't you a Mentor yet? You would be a great one.
Bloody excellent suggestion. I changed the 'you's to 'we's, although I do think I managed to avoid a didactic or preachy tone with them.
'the bugger' stays, it is grounding, making it real and personal, and a weirdelf trait.
Thanks for the excellent critique, Mark.
And when are you going to jump back on the workshop horse? We need you and there are other workshop leaders you could work with. Think about becoming a Mentor too, is is especially rewarding.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Eumolpus
Fri, 2018-03-23 21:15
I didn't know..
just never put it together concerning that aspect of revisions. Good to know. So if i really wanted nobody to see the originals would just just unpublish and re-post. right?
I will post my name to mentor. Thanks for suggesting.
I wasn't even sure what bugger means, and i find in the google it means like a hundred different things including:
bugger: penetrate the anus of (someone) during sexual intercourse; sodomize. (the one I know)
bugger; exclamation: buggeration used to express annoyance or anger.
One of my concerns with "bugger" was it's not a stable word.
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
weirdelf
Fri, 2018-03-23 22:29
your anus is safe
bugger, to Aussies is just an expression of annoyance.
It stays.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
vandiemenspeak
Sat, 2018-03-24 08:54
I can confirm, that in Australian parlance...
And indeed, the queen's - bugger is in common usage, substitute "damn and blast" or even ""dash it all" - bugger is not at all used in the biblical sense in either case.
Cheers,
Chris.
Chris Hall - Tasmania
Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.