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Hurry Patience!

The details of you have blurred
over the years since you've been gone,
but how I miss you still has sharp edges

that cut the ribbons of my memories,
laying them bare and exposed
against all of this night of your absence.

I’ll keep trying to patch the ribbons together
into something beautiful so I can remember you
only as daylight, and the jagged loss hopefully,
with patience, no longer cuts when I visit you.

Style / type: 
Free verse
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I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
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Not Explicit Content
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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem exhibits a strong use of metaphor and imagery to convey the speaker's sense of loss and longing. The metaphor of memories as ribbons that are cut by the sharp edges of missing someone is particularly effective in evoking a sense of vulnerability and pain. The use of contrasting imagery, such as night and daylight, also adds depth to the poem's emotional landscape.

However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent use of tense. The shift from past tense in the first two lines to present tense in the third line might be confusing for some readers. Maintaining a consistent tense throughout the poem could help to clarify the temporal relationship between the speaker's past experiences and their current feelings of loss.

Additionally, the last line of the poem introduces the concept of patience, which seems somewhat disconnected from the rest of the poem. If the speaker's intention is to convey that they are waiting for their pain to lessen over time, this could be more effectively communicated by integrating the concept of patience more thoroughly into the poem's narrative.

Lastly, the phrase "only as daylight" is somewhat ambiguous. If the speaker is trying to convey that they want to remember the person they lost in a positive light, this could be more clearly communicated by using more concrete language. For example, they could specify what aspects of the person they want to remember, or describe what the person was like during the day.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to

of little word changes, is what I would make here.

[They] cut the ribbons of my memories,

against all of this night [in] your absence

only as daylight, [delete the and] the jagged loss hopefully

with patience, no longer cuts, when I visit you.

I like the wistfulness, the hope for peace.

Nice work, ~ Geez.

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Thanks for your comments Geez - things to consider...


Michael Anthony

author comment

I get the feeling like this is a grave-side conversation. by the proper reverences. Good metaphors and imagery. I can see this in my head... good work! My favorite lines are:

I’ll keep trying to patch the ribbons together
into something beautiful so I can remember you
only as daylight, and the jagged loss hopefully,
with patience, no longer cuts when I visit you.

*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Always appreciate you Cat - thank you!


Michael Anthony

author comment

Hello, Michael,
Patching the ribbons together - maybe a lifetime process, but with patience, so worthy - this is what it's all about. The foundation , the purpose and the meaning, the fulfillment. Beautiful.
Thank you!

A lifetime process, to be sure L. Thank you!


Michael Anthony

author comment
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