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Why doesn’t the sun rise anymore?
Why doesn’t the sun rise anymore
My life is suddenly dark
Finding nothing left to strive for
All gone, so barren, so stark
All alone, in the wasteland of my life
Strewn with lost hopes and desire
balanced as on the edge of a knife
Between absolution and hellfire
Who took away all my hopes
Who took away my queen
And left me reeling on the ropes
Crying for what could have been
An Angel took you away from me
My heart is broken.in two
So why doesn’t the sun rise? you see
It’s because it cant shine on you.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Geezer
Sun, 2022-08-14 12:53
It seems...
as though you have suffered a tragic loss
and for that I am sorry. I see that you are a pretty competent rhymer
and did well for the most part. There are a couple of places
that you could tighten it up with just a little adjustment.
In the line "All alone in the wasteland of [my] life", by deleting [my]
that brings it into meter.
[Cry] for what could have been [be rid of the [ing]
Left me reeling on the ropes [delete the [And]
My heart is broken [right] in two [add one syllable]
A heartfelt poem of grief, well done! ~ Geezer.
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Rosewood Apothecary
Mon, 2022-08-15 06:38
Welcome
Very sad poem and I’m sorry for your struggles. You’ve captured them here beautifully. The grief of loss of life or love or both is a very human feeling and unfortunately it’s one we will all feel.
Geezer made some nice suggestions about smoothing it out so it flows a bit better. I’d tend to agree with him. My style is normally pretty structured and tidy. This piece feels like it wants to be that way but…as artist I’ll make this suggestion. It may be cool to leave the last line or maybe even the penultimate line awkwardly longer (as far as meter) or lingering on purpose. Because that’s what grief does. It echos and it never really decays fully.
Welcome to the site,
Tim
Geezer
Mon, 2022-08-15 07:40
Good...
comment Tim. Thank you for your kind and thoughtful observation on the last lines. ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
RoseBlack
Mon, 2022-08-15 17:17
A sad, but beautiful poem
Very sorry for your loss. How highly you spoke of the subject in your poem as well as the grief you feel over their loss were well thought out and presented in a beautiful display of words and emotions. Great job!
:)
~RoseBlack~