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A Poet's Trip to Perth, City of the Bogan
How well do I recall with pride that wonderful surprise,
A telegram to say I'd won Australia's greatest prize,
The Rupert Murdoch cup for poetry - what a beaut;
Return flights on Qantas, free motels, a rented Ute.
I sat on the silvery 'plane as it flew South to Perth
Which I’d heard was one of most bonza spots on Earth;
I introduced myself to the plump bird sitting next to me
Who was a lecturer in marsupial gynaecol-ogy.
His or her name, 'twas Raylene, so sexy and curvacious
And (after a bottle of wine or two) outrageously flirtatious;
I told Rayl all about my prize and, very much impressed;
Rayl mentioned she had never seen a poet undressed.
She said that, if we waited till the crew were fast asleep,
We could hop into the nearby bog and have a sneaky-peep.
Into each other’s underwear before we had a screw
(that's how I joined the Five Mile Club inside a Qantas loo).
Back in our seats we drank another quart of Dirty Red,
And Raylene said it would be nice to cop off in her bed;
It was at this stage that Raylene told me something choice:
She was a poet herself, and she declaimed this in her Aussie voice:
"There was a young fellow from Perth
Who shagged for all he was worth;
One day the poor chap
Caught a dose of the clap
And cursed the day of his birth."
On Redliffe’s sweaty tarmac, a welcome party stood a-waiting
Some of them were smiling just for me (had they been masturbating?);
Then a mighty fanfare heralded their lusty song
And I, the lovely Edna, Bard from Heaven, joined in and sang along:
[To the tune of “Advance Australia Fair!”]
O mighty Edna, we’re so proud
To welcome you to Perth!
We know you’ve not been here before,
The greatest spot on Earth;
You are our Poet Laureate,
And our new bonza mate,
All hail to Edna Sweetlove
The poetess of Mirth!
How the next days rushed by! I saw all the tourist sights
And thanks to Raylene’s lesbo friends, I spent some steamy nights
Involved in sordid sexual acts whose nature was disgraceful,
And in one of which plump Raylene got a well-deservéd faceful.
Once I’d got my poet’s prize from old Rupert’s deput-ty,
I began to feel a bit horny and indeed quite fruit-ty,
So Rayl and I toured the state as far as the Black Stump
And a whore in Kalgoorlie gave us a thrilling hump.
Both River Swan and Sunset Coast were really quite OK
(I mustn’t whinge like bloody Poms do every single bloody day)
But there’s one thing I must say as it’s really rather fun-ny
And that’s the fact that lots of folks round here retain their outside dun-ny.
We went to Yanchap National Park and we even saw a quokka
Which, let me tell you folks at home, looks like a silly f*cker;
But now I come to the sad part of my Australian adventures
So hold on to your hat and to your fag-stained dentures.
Raylene swam at Swanbourne Beach, ‘twas just for a lark
But O dear me - both her legs got chewed off by a shark;
And I never will forget her gross and noisy screaming
It comes back to me in my direst nightmare dreaming.
Before I left I thought I should visit in her hospice bed
But a phone call saved my journey: she was nearly nine-tenths dead;
So farewell Perth in Western Oz, O what a bonza place
To eat prawns from barbies and to get pissed off your face.
And as I took off from the airport, on board the Qantas ‘plane,
I heard with awe from cattle-class this touching old refrain,
The tearful Aussie travellers’ lament and heartfelt slogan,
As they left behind the lovely land of the sacred bogan:
[To the tune of "Take Me Back to Blighty"]
“Farewell, adieu to dear old Aussie
Aussie is the place we hate to leave
So screw you, you whinging Poms
With your white and skinny arms
Aussie is the land for you and me!"
Comments
Geezer
Sun, 2019-12-22 11:56
Wow!...
A sociological lesson, to be sure! The only reference I had trouble with; is the [bog] you were to hop into for a peep into the other's undies. I will assume that you meant the loo on the plane? ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Edna Sweetlove
Sun, 2019-12-22 12:31
Bog
Bog = loo, toilet, WC, shitter, shithouse, crapper, dunny, place of easance, scheisshaus, klo, klosett, etc.
xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars
cathy mccormick
Sun, 2019-12-22 21:22
witty and clever. enjoyed it
witty and clever. enjoyed it very much. great rhythm too
Edna Sweetlove
Mon, 2019-12-23 08:31
Ta!
Rhythm is always a good point.
xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars
weirdelf
Sun, 2019-12-29 07:20
It is a good point, we call it meter
and you have it in spades. Is it natural or did you learn it? Do you think you could teach it in a workshop? How about critique?
Love your work but " f*cker"? Come now, it's hardly the time to be coy about language.
I'm a true blue Aussie from New Zealand so I've got the outsider perspective so I can criticize. I jumped for joy when Whitlam got elected, our greatest ever, made us civilized with free education, health, aboriginal land rights and feminist issues and a swimming pool in every suburb (?). Since then it's been downhill relieved by Hawke and Keating and we've landed in the shit with insane pentecostal Scummo.
Get in touch next time Murdoch 'Aussie of all Evil' favours you.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Edna Sweetlove
Mon, 2019-12-30 09:31
Metre
Do you lot really follow the 'mercan spelling of metre"? I know you can't spell "labor" but this is ridiculous.
I hear that Sydney, not content with having bushfire smoke skies intends to blow off a load of proletarian fireworks to add to the smog. Well done! You can't keep that convict spirit down!
.
xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars
weirdelf
Mon, 2019-12-30 18:37
When it's about poetry it's meter, not metre.
Check it out. The measure of length is metre. We do not follow 'mercan spelling. I've never understood why the Labor party chose that spelling. Workers labour. We like bright colours.
Haven't you got better things to get contentious about Edna? Especially when you are wrong.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Mon, 2019-12-30 18:37
I agree about the fireworks.
Much as I love them, even without bushfires I see schools and hospitals going up in smoke.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Edna Sweetlove
Mon, 2019-12-30 20:00
When it's about poetry it's metre (unless you're 'merkan...)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metre_(poetry)
I never get contentious especially when I'm right!
PS you will need to paste the entire link above (including the "_(poetry)" bit) before it works.
OR:
https://poetryarchive.org/glossary/metre/.
OR:
https://www.britannica.com/art/metre-prosody
.
xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars
weirdelf
Mon, 2019-12-30 22:20
I don't give a fuck, spell it any way you like.
Like I said, haven't you got more important things to be contentious about?
Eg the 95 words you wasted on this drivel could have been spent on valuable feedback on someone's poem.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Edna Sweetlove
Tue, 2019-12-31 18:43
If you don't give a copulation...
...why suggest "metre" is wrong?
...why waste another 45 words when they could have been spent on valuable feedback?
And anyway, I find most people object to genuine feedback. I happen to welcome it, but then I am kinky that way.
Happy New Year!
.
xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars