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So We Mourn
When the land of Sabah shook,
unleashing its wrath,
between the mountains and the sea
lives were extinguished
like an errant breeze
snuffs a candle.
At Mount Kinabalu,
Tragedy,
mourning,
and the crushing of hope
among the landscape thrown to ruin,
leaving a nation, mourning.
The hands of a negligent fate
digging ready graves
for youthful dreams
and lost futures.
Gems interred
and absent from a generation.
Here at home,
families waiting for news of loved ones.
There's a father who was told of his daughter's death,
hopes rekindled by a second news of her, wounded,
only to be dashed by confirmation of her demise
There's a mother's heart, engulfed by grief,
crying silently while praying during her son's funeral.
A part of her, ripped away by despair
as the dark coccoon of reality left her speechless.
Her pain can never be portrayed.
.
As broken bodies are returned to earth,
others share her burden, hearts broken,
bleeding souls weeping in agony
The smiles and laughter of young ones
becoming shades of past memories
Will this pain be healed?
Only the turning of the stars will say
For now we gather
as we mourn the dead.
.
Comments
weirdelf
Thu, 2015-06-11 16:19
great poetry,
You have the intelligence to look at world affairs and politics and write important poetry.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Thu, 2015-06-11 16:19
eek
sometimes I need to be well and truly ignored, mate.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
alidzain
Wed, 2015-06-10 05:30
Jess
what do you mean by accountability? I don't understand that. You say great poetry but then you say the content sucks, in what way? Which stanza needs revamp? Please show some examples and offer some suggestions. Your student needs more lesson, Jess.
weirdelf
Thu, 2015-06-11 16:21
I edited my above comments
because they were rude and ignorant, please forgive me.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
alidzain
Thu, 2015-06-11 16:53
Jess
I'm not offended, just curious. anyway, no prob here.
Alid
Sparrow
Wed, 2015-06-10 09:40
Alid
This piece of writing things is lacking in flow, then it is a list of an account, nothing about the ones that suffered or how they suffered, or where..
Let the poetry flow and include the people even a child wandering with vacant stare, as they do in these earthquake places, grown ups will wander as if in a trance.
I am not sure, but I think that this could do with characters to enhance the meaning and the feeling of loss..
Copy it to a word doc edit then bring it back, in its portrayal of death it needs life..
OK I will leave it to you to sort.
I shall find one of mine that talks about a war zone, then you can see the story of maybe where and when..
Have a good go it has the bones of a good write,
Yours as always Ian..
Terror of War
Terror of War
I cried I screamed
I could not think,
or dream of normal things
That you out there,
hold not so dear..
Faces crawling with scum,
then holes!
.
Holes in bodies,
it had just begun..
A redness flows
through matted hair.
It grabs at the dust
that is gathered there
It’s dragging the dust
of my friend this way.
.
A crazy paving
of red streaked clay
My friend, my friend,
why cant you wait?
A flickering smile,
that’s flaunting your state
Your peaceful look,
that holds no hate.
As you slip away from me.
.
Maybe you know
what lies beyond
For you at the end,
Now in this day
I have only to wait,
sit, and pray.
.
That your smile is no lie
That I could if only I…..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
alidzain
Wed, 2015-06-10 13:23
Hello Ian
I tried to give the details but don't know how to trim it. More help, please.
Alid
China Blue
Wed, 2015-06-10 10:04
Alid
go a bit more in depth why were lives snuffed out by tragedy
a plague? war? nature?
a nation (IS) in mourning again why?
the dream for a future(GONE)
severed(BY)the hands of fate
and so on
look deep inside yourself and pull those feelings out
personalize the poem more and by that I do not mean include your own tragedy
what I mean is
dig then dig deeper then dig some more
picture the scene , what are you seeing , what are you hearing , how does it make you feel
ill?angry?numb?
are you conversing with someone if not pretend you are what would the conversation sound like
I guess in a nutshell what I am trying to do is to get you to write deeper than the surface otherwise it reads like a news report
I know you have the ability to make this an outstanding piece of work
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
alidzain
Wed, 2015-06-10 13:26
chrys
I've done as you have suggested but still need help with the flow and meter.
Alid
China Blue
Wed, 2015-06-10 14:16
Alid
better now we know what it is about
meter is no more than a series of beats
tap out or count out your beats think of the poem as having a heart beat each syllable is one beat
"out of the night that covers me"
read it out loud it has eight beats
or from the darkness surrounding me (8 beats)
the content is there now you have to find the correct cadence
it helps if you read your poem aloud then you can hear the beat as to whther it falls short or is to long
giving your poem the choppy sound
when read aloud it should flow
no matter if it is rhyme or free verse
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
alidzain
Wed, 2015-06-10 15:30
thanks chrys
I'll sleep on it to clear the aftereffects of my painkiller before I do anything. Nighty-night.
Alid
weirdelf
Thu, 2015-06-11 17:22
A hint,
most dictionaries give an idea of traditonally stressed syllables either in spelling or the use of a symbol above the letter. eg
accent
[n. ak-sent; v. ak-sent, ak-sent]
or àccent, accènt,
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
alidzain
Thu, 2015-06-11 18:05
Jess
apart from the accented syllable, there is also the matter of how to bring out the message across without disrupting meter. I'll look at this piece again when l'm feeling better, 'else I won't be able to focus again.
Alid.
weirdelf
Thu, 2015-06-11 19:42
that only requires practice
I suggest you revisit Wesley's excellent workshop on meter "Meter is our friend"
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/meter-our-friend
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
alidzain
Thu, 2015-06-11 20:58
will do
Jess.
Alid
wesley snow
Thu, 2015-06-11 17:51
You don't need my help.
Meter is the answer. Pick one and use it. The poem slips dangerously close to prose at times because the meter changes so many times in a single verse. The poem is powerful and stands on its own. I would not change it meter or no. Simply consider meter more carefully in your next poem.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
alidzain
Thu, 2015-06-11 18:01
will do
thanks, Wes.
Alid
Seren
Sat, 2015-06-13 15:34
Dear Alid
I think you've been given some solid advice on this poem and its the sort of advice you should take into account next time your writing, In the beginning it seems like forever ago i got some amazing advice and I've used it to my best ability, I still have so very much to learn unfortunately i have little energy to study its something to plan for in the future though
Good work here and great ideas people !
I remember hearing about this tragedy I'm so sorry for the loss so many of you must be feeling, my condolences.
Love and hugs Jayne xox
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
alidzain
Sat, 2015-06-13 16:42
Jayne
thank you for the visit. apart from the loss of life there's some anger as some of the people of Sabah believed that the actions of some tourists have triggered the earthquake at Mount Kinabalu. The mountain itself is believed by the locals to be sacred and these people have went against their guide and posed nude for a photography session. I don't share their belief as well but one should never disrespect the local's culture and beliefs. Instead of apologizing, the canadian photographer who works in the tourism industry lashed back at the local minister, calling him an idiot. If he and the tourists didn't provoke the people with their insensitivity, there won't be an arrest. Some people just don't know how to behave like proper guests.sigh.
As for the poem itself, I figured that I still need more practice in using meter while relaying the message in it. Not going to be easy but I'll try bit by bit.
Alid
scribbler
Sun, 2015-06-14 22:30
Hi Alid
Good emotive poem. The first thing you should do is read this aloud and you will find that some of your punctuation gives pauses where I don't think you intend the reader to pause. Line 6 is clear in what you want to convey but perhaps lacking in poetic style. Something like "Youthful dreams denied a future" would be better? Also "only time will tell".. same thing plus the phrase is very much overused. Maybe something like only the turning of the stars will say.
I'm aware this is a lot of nit-picking. I'm also aware that you are still in the phase of writing when poems seem to be pushing and shoving to get out of your pen lol. As you gain experience you will likely give more consideration to phrasing and such in each line and stanza (and likely use a lot of erasers lol) before you put each line to page. But keep on writing. Nothing beats experience.......stan
alidzain
Sun, 2015-06-14 23:10
Hi Stan
hope you're feeling better. Thanks for the feedback. I've done some edits but this piece is not done yet.
Alid
Pugilist
Tue, 2015-06-23 20:20
I see several folks have already made excellent suggustions
I focused on flow and language. I don't expect you to take my edits as gospel, just use them as examples of more descriptive language and a tighter story.
Generally, though, I am offering suggestion only because I was asked. The only critique I have of the first paragraph is that, the better you know a place, the more detail you should put into it. This does two things. For those who know the area, it connects them more quickly. For those who do not know the area, it makes it real.
Here is my recast of your 1st stanza:
When the land of Sabah shook,
unleashing its wrath,
between the mountains and the sea
lives were extinguished
like an errant breeze
snuffs a candle.
At Mount Kinabalu,
Tragedy,
mourning,
and the crushing of hope
among the landscape thrown to ruin,
leaving a nation, mourning.
The hands of a negligent fate
digging ready graves
for youthful dreams
and lost futures.
Gems interred
and absent from a generation.
---------------------------------------------------------
Jonathan Moore
alidzain
Tue, 2015-06-23 21:29
Thank you,Jonathon
for the visit and suggestion.
Alid