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Yesterday’s Mail
My God I love being alive.
The moon dips low below the horizon as your fingers travel down my waist to my hipbone.
You: so tall and so new and so wonderful.
Us two sit on the floor and eat food out of paper containers, long legs criss crossed and tangled up in spidery webs.
We glisten like silk threads in the starlight,
morning dewdrops clung to thin clear strings.
Yesterday’s mail sits on my desk, unopened:
Letters from places I didn’t go to.
In bold red letters Virginia calls to me and tells me I’ve found my place, and I have.
In Virginia, I could’ve eaten grapes straight off the vine and strolled the green mountains around the college every early morning.
In Virginia I could’ve walked through Richmond hand in hand with a different man (but I doubt he’d be as tall).
Here in Florida, butterflies hang from my ceiling,
wings perpetually frozen in time.
The posters on my wall watch us as we cling to eachother, sweat rolling across the curves of your back from standing underneath the sun.
Us two sit on a bench and listen to the lake dry up, sizzling like a grease pan in the heat.
Us two side by side on twin beds, legs dangling off the side and sour gummies in our hands.
I don’t wince anymore at the sound of your name, Virginia. Your great big mountains mean nothing to my lover’s palm in one of my hands, or to the great big flute of wine in my other.
When my roommate drops hers on the ground, I sweep the glass into the garbage and let it stain yesterday’s mail.
Bright red wine muddling your bright red letters.
Bright red blood running through my veins.
Bright red heart beating for my Florida.
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Comments
neopoet
Tue, 2024-05-28 04:10
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Yesterday’s Mail" presents a vivid narrative with a strong sense of place and emotion. The use of imagery and metaphor is effective in conveying the speaker's feelings and experiences. However, there are areas where the poem could be improved.
Firstly, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm or meter. The lines vary greatly in length and rhythm, which can disrupt the flow of the poem and make it harder for the reader to follow. Experimenting with syllable count or stress patterns could help to create a more consistent rhythm.
Secondly, the poem could use more varied sentence structures. Many of the sentences start with the same structure ("In Virginia", "Us four", "Bright red"), which can become repetitive. Varying the sentence structures could make the poem more engaging and dynamic.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from a clearer narrative arc or progression. While the poem does convey a sense of change and growth, it's not always clear how the speaker's feelings or circumstances are evolving. Adding more explicit transitions or signposts could help to clarify the narrative progression.
In terms of the poem's strengths, the use of vivid and specific imagery is very effective. The images of the moon dipping below the horizon, the butterflies hanging from the ceiling, and the bright red letters are all striking and memorable. The poem also does a good job of conveying a strong sense of place, with the contrasting images of Virginia and Florida.
The poem's use of repetition is also effective in places. The repeated phrase "Us four" creates a sense of camaraderie and shared experience, while the repeated image of "bright red" creates a strong visual motif.
Overall, "Yesterday’s Mail" is a promising poem with a lot of potential. With some revisions to improve the rhythm, vary the sentence structures, and clarify the narrative progression, it could be even stronger.
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hippiemoon
Tue, 2024-05-28 23:55
MM…
Beautiful poem! I especially love the imagery of the two subjects being like silk threads in starlight. You weave your words in such an elegant manner. I look forward to your next work!
Best,
hippiemoon
the moon and the stars made us who we are <3
zach
Sun, 2024-06-02 00:30
lovely
I LOVE the symbolism and creativity of being silky threads in the starlight. Beautiful imagery, it strikes a chord in all the right ways <3
zach
:)