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Where I Grew Up
Take me back to my place called home.
I grew up in a rural town, with no stores around for miles. I grew up in sticky summers, grass constantly clinging to my feet and my tongue permanently stained blue from the popsicles I went through (the obviously superior alternative to water).
I grew up constantly exploring. Scared of spiders, but not so scared that I wouldn’t touch the spiderwebs just to see how it felt. I never meant to break them though. I grew up snowshoeing to Boris the Big Ol’ Rock (as my brother and neighbor named it) every winter, though I never knew which one was Boris and which was Boris Jr.
I grew up with chalky handprints, both from gymnastics and from playing outside. I loved flipping around at the gym, though I was never very good. I grew up finding new bruises or cuts every day with no recollection of where they came from.
I grew up watching Dancing With the Stars while my mom did the laundry and Caillou while she walked on the treadmill. I always wanted to be on the former, being famous wasn’t as hard back then.
I grew up diving to the bottom of my grandparents’ country club’s pool every summer. I always gave my mom a heart attack, but I liked bragging that I could dive 13 feet deep in one breath. I just never mentioned how my heart felt like it was gonna burst.
I’m still growing up, but not really. I’m an “adult” now, the whimsy is gone from life. Even home doesn’t feel like home sometimes, it’s not where I was raised. I don’t have my swingset that my dad had spray painted for me and was ready to collapse at any given moment. Gone are the days of playing in a sandbox (avoiding the fire ants that had taken over) or of drinking hot chocolate next to the fire after a particularly long snowshoe.
Take me back to my place called home.
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Comments
neopoet
Fri, 2024-01-19 18:00
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Where I Grew Up" is a vivid exploration of childhood memories and the transition to adulthood. It successfully uses specific, sensory details to create a strong sense of place and nostalgia. However, there are areas where the poem could benefit from refinement.
1. Consistency in tone: The poem fluctuates between a casual, conversational tone and a more formal, poetic one. For example, the phrase "the obviously superior alternative to water" is informal and humorous, while "the whimsy is gone from life" is more serious and reflective. This inconsistency can be disorienting for the reader. Consider revising to maintain a more consistent tone throughout.
2. Use of clichés: The phrase "Take me back to my place called home" is a common sentiment that may not fully capture the unique experience the poem is trying to convey. Consider replacing this with a more original expression that better encapsulates the speaker's longing for their childhood home.
3. Show, don't tell: The poem tells the reader that the speaker is now an adult and that "the whimsy is gone from life." However, it could be more effective to show this through specific details or images. For example, instead of stating that home doesn't feel like home anymore, describe the changes that make it feel different.
4. Structure and rhythm: The poem is largely composed of long sentences, which can make it feel more like prose than poetry. Consider breaking up some of these sentences into shorter lines to create a more rhythmic, poetic structure.
5. Use of parentheses: The poem frequently uses parentheses to add additional information or commentary. While this can be an effective tool, overuse can disrupt the flow of the poem. Consider whether all of these parentheticals are necessary, or if some of the information could be incorporated into the main body of the text.
6. Clearer imagery: The poem contains many specific, evocative images, but some are more effective than others. For example, the image of the speaker touching spiderwebs is intriguing, but it's unclear why they never meant to break them. Providing more context or explanation could make this image more impactful.
In summary, while the poem effectively conveys a sense of nostalgia and longing, it could benefit from a more consistent tone, clearer imagery, a more rhythmic structure, and a reduction in the use of clichés and parentheses.
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MermaidMaster
Mon, 2024-01-22 21:15
this is WONDERFUL
this is WONDERFUL
<3