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Voices Of The Heart
In the whispers of the passing wind
which sails across a new frontier,
beyond the things that you have seen,
my soul is there, it's always near.
When the little flowers bloom anew,
their colours paint the world we know
as they're touched by the morning dew,
I"ll remember how you helped me grow.
Will I see and hear from you again
or will fate snatch you away from here?
The answer eludes me, my friends
but even if you go, I'll still hold you dear.
Fear not what lies before you in the end.
When the time comes to leave this realm.
Just find your peace as you ascend
and may you find a place far away from harm.
Until we meet again, old friends,
For now I send my love to you
May your strong will never bend
and may your hearts stay true.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
this piece is for Jayne and the people I loved who have made me what I am today. You are incredibly amazing people and you always make me want to challenge myself. Thank you for your friendship, wisdom and love. May God bless all of you.
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
singapore
Favorite Poets
Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Sarojini Naidu and friends in Neopoet.
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Comments
Roscoe Lane
Mon, 2015-10-12 00:27
This is,
This is from the heart of a poet, and i like it a lot. Regards Roscoe....
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
alidzain
Mon, 2015-10-12 01:14
Roscoe
I think of Jayne alot these days, especially after the death of 2 of my dear friends recently. One died of leukeamia, the other, from old age. Both are the ones who mentor and encourage me in my malay poetry and short story writing. Now Jayne, the poet who inspire me the most here is very sick and that makes me sad. At one hand, I don't want her to go but on the other hand, I don't want her to suffer. I can only pray and send my love for her, bro. Its all I can do for someone like her. Really miss her. This piece is written with all of them in my mind.
Alid
author commentSparrow
Mon, 2015-10-12 04:12
Alid
Loved this piece, I have put a few lines at the bottom here that seem wrong through the translation, or thought in another language, this happens a lot when we speak in another way.
Hope you don't mind young man, and hope you are coping with your health more of late, I send you healing and unconditional love as always,
Yours Ian..
my soul is there, it's always near ("Though" always near)
I'll remember how you help me to grow ("Helped me grow")
or will fate snatched you away from here?( "Snatch" you)
The answer eludes me, my friend ("Friends")
Until we meet again, old friend ("My friends")
May your strong will never bend ("Strength never bend")
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
alidzain
Mon, 2015-10-12 09:14
Hello Ian
''my soul is there, it's always near ("Though" always near)''
What if I say ''my heart and soul are always near'' ?
Agree with line 2 and 3.
''May your strong will never bend ("Strength never bend")''
''I'm much more referring to willpower in this sentence''
Thanks for the read. I'm letting others critique it before I tweaked it.
Alid
author commentSparrow
Mon, 2015-10-12 18:25
Salam Alid
I will wait until you have sorted this one out but it is a good write, just that when talking in another language the context becomes mixed and then the words sound strange.
You have coped very well and I will help as required,
Yours, Ian..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
Rula
Mon, 2015-10-12 08:29
A heartfelt piece
with raw emotions.
Hope all will go well with all our friends who suffer or have a pain.
Thank you for sharing Khalid.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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alidzain
Mon, 2015-10-12 09:20
Salam, Rula
thanks for the read and comments.. Any suggestions for improvements?
Alid
author commentRula
Mon, 2015-10-12 16:41
salam khalid
Usually I don't like to play with pieces of such themes. But if you like you can rework the lines' length. Try to keep consistent number of the stressed syllables in every line. How about that?
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alidzain
Mon, 2015-10-12 20:00
Salam, Rula
Here's the thing I wanted to make it a combo (unstress, unstress, stress) and (unstress, stress)
The thing is I'm not sure how to do it without changing what I mean to say. hmmm. kinda difficult. Should I change it into free verse instead? What do you think?
Alid
author commentRula
Tue, 2015-10-13 00:47
As I said Khalid
It reads good as is. Just look where some lines go longer than others and try to adjust
I"ll remember how you helped me grow..............drop one of the apostrophes
Will I see and hear from you again...................Will I see [you] or hear from you again
Fear not what lies before you in the end.........Don't fear (to keep it iamb)
and may you find a place far away from harm. [ far away from what overwhelms]
Remember brother, just suggestions. Yours still reads good.
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