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Tin Roofs & Rain (Imaging Workshop Entry)

Submitted by Debra Bryant on Mon, 2012-03-12 13:34

Out for an early morning ramble
on an overgrown lane
The sky grey and overcast
menacing with rain.

I happen upon a long forgotten
and broken-down old barn.
pausing to rest a spell
I reflect upon this scene

Rusty tin roof sway backed and
sagging as an old saddle horse.
Tin edges warped and curled back
flutter in the wind.

Heavy rain drops begin to fall
and splatter into a fine mist
on the weather-beaten tin
then trickle off the edges
in a rusty colored spray
to puddle at my feet
in a pool of muddy grey.

Taking shelter under the eaves
I wonder to myself
how long this old barn
has stood the ravages of time.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Last few words: 
couple of changes made
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Workshop: 
IMAGERY IN POETRY (for everyone)

Comments

Nordic cloud

Mon, 2012-03-12 16:50

Nordic cloud's picture

I love this poem its so full of visions, this for me is Sightatory :) My own word.

I know that old barn, I saw it in Scotland last Autumn,
and every other barn catches my vision and I ponder its character,
time and artistic 'beauty.'

Oh I don't know immediately what kind this is,
I feel very amateur about this, never done this before.
Whatever it is its super Deb, AnnofNorway.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

scribbler

Mon, 2012-03-12 17:37

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So all will know Debbie was assigned Visual imagery and she picked "Rain on a tin roof" . I'll with hold my comments until ya'll are done. PS will all shop members please remember to hit the workshop button before commenting............stan

China Blue

Tue, 2012-03-13 03:27

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I knew before Stan's note that it was visual. You did a fine job of it. I could just see that old barn, the weathered jobbing path , and unfortunately you getting pummeled with rain drops
Nice work and even nicer poem
Chrys

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

Barbara Writes

Wed, 2012-03-14 22:29

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Lots of visual

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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Debra Bryant

Thu, 2012-03-15 10:28

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Really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment...I have made a few changes in body and title to more accurately reflect my topic. Again, thanks!
Deb

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Debra Bryant

Thu, 2012-03-15 10:23

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Made some changes to reflect more of my topic which was "rain on a tin toof" Hope you all like it
Deb

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wesley snow

Thu, 2012-03-15 20:15

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This is just good poetry. I'm not sure if the visual imagery went far enough, but I'm having a bit of trouble with this workshop. The imagery surely works, but I would have liked it a little over the top for workshop purposes. Nevertheless, this a very sharp poem.
wesley

W. H. Snow

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Debra Bryant

Fri, 2012-03-16 10:50

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Made some changes...thanks for taking time to read and comment
Deb

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wesley snow

Fri, 2012-03-16 17:28

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... (I did not look at the revision), but mostly I have to reiterate that I simply loved the mood in this. I've saved it to my archives and copied it for my mother in law (she loves and collects photos of old barns). wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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scribbler

Thu, 2012-03-15 20:32

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I liked it and you managed to stay almost entirely visual. Now for a nit pic which has nothing to do with imagery. Mave you considered breaking this into stanzas which each contained a separate thoght or description? Might help the readability. Now you need to start thinking about whether to rewrite using same or different or combination of imagery...............stan

Debra Bryant

Fri, 2012-03-16 10:49

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Thanks for the suggestion re; breaking up into stanzas. I did make some changes trying to remain in the visual imagery.
Deb

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Nordic cloud

Sat, 2012-03-17 09:51

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"The sky grey and overcast" Grey the sky and overcast / the sky grey overcast, the 'and '...!
Would the sky not be grey is it was overcast and vice versa?
For me there was a wee bit of trip in the rhythm that's all.

Love the subject as I've said already.

My father visited Canada(with my mother)
and when he wanted to take photographs of old barns,
my uncle said :but why not the new ones, we have lots of those!!!!!
He didn't understand this at all did he?

Nordic cloud.
This is an unnecessary quibble ignore it! :)

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Barbara Writes

Sat, 2012-03-17 12:17

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I like photographing old houses

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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Candlewitch

Sat, 2012-03-17 13:21

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I could clearly see your wonderful imagery. And a great poem to boot!

always, Cat

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When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

scribbler

Sat, 2012-03-17 14:29

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I think the attraction of old and especially neglected barns is the ideas of what they once represented. A way of life now gone in many areas. "Course it could also have to do with hay loft "activities" LOL...........stan

Debra Bryant

Sat, 2012-03-17 20:49

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And thanks for the comments...I do like old barns and it isn't because of the hay loft (LOL) Still trying to decide which type of imagery to use on rewrite. Is there Deadline Stan?
Deb

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scribbler

Sat, 2012-03-17 21:49

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no hard deadline but it would be good if we can wrap things up by mid week.................stan

Esker

Mon, 2012-03-19 15:13

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this touched my heart and sentiment
which is what good poems do
Awaken the sense and fire up the
heart and mind
revitalize the old soul

I loved the old barns of my youth
aging graceful in winters loads and
winds and rain

I used to take a lot of Tri-pan with my
reflex loving the natural lighting
falling in through the open doors
and windows

and your rain I could feel

deliciously atmospheric work

Thank You!!

Debra Bryant

Tue, 2012-03-20 20:22

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I appreciate the critique and I am glad that you enjoyed it.
Deb

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Nordic cloud

Wed, 2012-03-21 02:54

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'Scuse I

"on an overrun lane" who is it that overrun it and what was it doing before it was overrun, being a nuisance?

"in a rusty colored spray
to puddle at my feet
in a pool of muddy brown." I would love to have grey at the end of this line, it would give it the poetry.

Just a touch l Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Debra Bryant

Wed, 2012-03-21 08:45

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And thank you, Ann...you are right of course and I will make those changes. I really do appreciate your honesty!!!
Love, Deb

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