Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

There is No Fairy in this Tale

Submitted by eightmenout on Mon, 2016-01-25 19:37

I was a child once
for a year or two
maybe three
then my provider left
and came back
and left again...
....came back.
You know the story
how the wife just can't live without him.

You know all fairy tales have happy endings
but did you know that none of them started that way.
I'm trying really hard to spin this yarn
and I think I can write a little,
yet I just don't know how
to change this ending.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

GavinPay

Mon, 2016-01-25 22:37

Hello! I love the title and this poem as a whole. Thank you for the time and effort.

The first stanza works well. The second stanza feels less impactful, at least for me. I feel that the rhythm get lost as I read the last sentence, but I also 'don't know how to change this ending,' to use your own words.

An idea could be something like this (just brainstorming):
I just don't know how
I could ever write a Happily Ever After.

You could split that sentence (the second one in stanza two) into two parts, ending with 'write a little' and starting a new sentence with 'I just don't know who'.

Also, and this is me being nitpicky, but I would have preferred a question mark in the second stanza with 'but did you know that none of them started that way.' Just my personal preference as a person who utilizes punctuation in their poetry.

Last minute suggestion, I found myself adding 'too' to the end of the first line of the second stanza. What do you think about it?

Anwyho, I look forward to reading more of your works! Take care, friend.

eightmenout

Thu, 2016-01-28 17:48

I will take those suggestions under advisement when I go to edit. Thank you for taking the time to leave a detailed critique.

Scott

author comment

Kailashana2

Mon, 2016-01-25 23:27

Enjoyed this immensely.

eightmenout

Thu, 2016-01-28 17:49

Thank you for stopping by and giving it a read. Glad you enjoyed it,

Scott

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.