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A Tanka on Eclipse
World watches in awe
the superimposition
Earth shadowing Moon
Two celestial super stars
during a brief rendezvous
Style / type:
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
alidzain
Sun, 2014-05-04 20:00
Hi Raj
A senryu followed by a couplet is actually called a tenka, at least that's what i remember from barabara's workshop. By the way, I counted 6 syllables in the second line of the couplet, unless I am wrong and "rendezvous" is a 4- syllabled word.
Alid
raj
Mon, 2014-05-05 14:44
Alid
I stand corrected. The workshop conducted by Babara recently was titled Renga 6 and not Senryu 6 as i had mentioned in my earlier response to your comment. Now Barabara needs to confirm if this poem classifies as Renga or Tenga. :) we will soon find out if she happens to visit this one...
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
raj
Mon, 2014-05-05 00:12
Alid
Thanks for the visit and your comment. I feel rendezvous is a 3 syllable word. Assuming that to be correct I so agree that the syllable count works out to 6. Thanks for spotting this. I will correct it to 7 by replacing "At" with "During"
The workshop recently conducted by Barbara was called Senryu 6. I therefore await her clariifiation should she visit here, if this should be called a Senryu or Tenka.
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
alidzain
Tue, 2014-05-06 01:29
Hey, no problem
I'm always glad I could be of help.
Alid
loved
Mon, 2014-05-05 02:26
must be good
I promised to remain
within my freer domain
you ur title
do retain
loved
raj
Mon, 2014-05-05 14:37
Thanks Loved for stopping by
Thanks Loved for stopping by and for your comment.
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Mon, 2014-05-05 03:09
whatever is the form
I really thought this very clever... The word choice, the imagery, no word wastes.
I won't change a thing. Perfect!
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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raj
Mon, 2014-05-05 14:38
Hi Rula
Thank you for the read and your appreciative comment, works like tonic.
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
Barbara Writes
Tue, 2014-05-06 09:06
Hi Raj and Alid
I happy to see the discussion here and you guys enthusiasm for learning new forms of poetry.
Actually. Alid is correct what you have written is called a Tanka. (not Tenka).
A senryu***
World watches in awe
the superimposition
Moon shadowing Sun
A couplet***
Two celestial super stars
during a brief rendezvous
Senryu + Couplet = Tanka
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
raj
Tue, 2014-05-06 15:15
Barbara & Alid
Thank you Barbara for the visit and your clarification. You didn't comment though on the Tanka...
Alid you were spot on...I stand corrected friend..
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
Barbara Writes
Tue, 2014-05-06 18:07
raj
I had plan to comment. Just wanted to make sure yall understand the difference.
I think the Tanka is beautiful. The very first line sets up the image. A star gazer watching the beautiful union of the moon and the sun and then the dance like that of a bride and groom, the moon eclipse the sun. beautiful
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
raj
Wed, 2014-05-07 00:59
Barbara
Thank you for re-visiting this page and your comment, works like tonic.
Regards,.
raj (sublime_ocean)
alidzain
Wed, 2014-05-07 12:18
Hi Raj and everyone,
I think I'm going to attempt posting a Tanka as well for the sake of learning . All I ask is for your guidance as usual for me to improve in my writing and usage of the English words.Barbara, may I suggest that we have another Renga Workshop for those who are keen on the subject and who wanted to join but have missed out on the previous workshop.
Alid
raj
Wed, 2014-05-07 14:44
Good friend Alid, I have
Good friend Alid, I have already made a few suggestions on your Tenka before reading this comment of yours..
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
Barbara Writes
Wed, 2014-05-07 14:50
Alid
yes of course. All who want to join Renga with me PM me and Ill add you to the participation list.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
alidzain
Wed, 2014-05-07 15:00
okay then
noted
swamp-witch
Thu, 2014-05-08 02:07
Hello Raj,
As Barbara has mentioned, a Japanese poem following the syllable pattern 5-7-5-7-7 is a Tanka, although, it may be confusing to think of the last two lines as a couplet because couplets can be any length. Also, couplets tend to be a separate stanza but Tankas can be either 5-7-5-7-7 (one stanza) or 5-7-5 7-7 (two stanzas).
I also wrote a poem commemorating the eclipse, but I'm still not ready to post it!
If I may make one small suggestion, in a lunar eclipse, it is the earth which is shadowing the moon, so if this poem is about the lunar eclipse, line three should read "earth shadowing moon". Hope this helps.
Critique, don't comment.
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raj
Thu, 2014-05-08 16:28
Swampwitch
So very nice of you to stop by and provide meaningful insights. They are much appreciated. I would look forward to read your post on eclipse...
Good catch on the shadow aspect, I will get it corrected.
Regards and thanks,
raj (sublime_ocean)
swamp-witch
Sat, 2014-05-10 14:27
You're welcome, Raj,
Your tanka is beautiful and well-written.
Critique, don't comment.
Community guidelines: https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
To see our learning resources, click the "Curated Resources" link under the Resources tab in the top menu bar.
raj
Sat, 2014-05-10 14:54
Thank you Swamp Witch for re
Thank you Swamp Witch for re-visiting and your appreciative comment.
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)