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Stalking Eyes [Limerick]
a babe with a pleasing roll
was out on a teasing stroll
headed for a pub
but turned to a club
to slither on a dancing pole
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
weirdelf
Thu, 2018-04-26 15:01
Excellent, Raj!
traditionally the third and fourth lines are shorter and add a different slant to the joke.
Perhaps something like-
but a nasty thug
slipped her a drug
and she found herself slithering a pole
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
raj
Thu, 2018-04-26 15:11
Thanks Jess
for the visit and pointing out that line 3 & 4 need to be shorter. I have complied to that requirement and hope this now fits the bill.
thanks too for suggesting a change which is also very good but that would make the fifth line a tagd longer..
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raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentweirdelf
Thu, 2018-04-26 15:19
much better
see what I mean by it being a strict and structurally humorous form?
Now are you ready to take the challenge to write one that is deadly serious?
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
raj
Thu, 2018-04-26 15:29
Jess
do you mean serious limerick? I will definitely take up that challenge..
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raj (sublime_ocean)
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