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Spirit Across The Stars
Call me Old Soul
For I have come long and far
An incorporeal Traveler
A human spirit drifting beyond mortal bars
Once I knew of form
Felt the warmth of Sun on skin
But then my Life and World ended
My eternal Soul this trek to begin
In wake of Great War's destruction
My mind survived intact
And freed from a Body's limits
I fled Earth's Tomb never to look back
Passing beyond the Sky I reached the cosmic pale
And journeyed its Infinite Path through deep black void
Discovering worlds and witnessing endless cycles
Life born, life evolved, life destroyed
Sometimes I entered entities
Lurking within Consciousness unknown
Experiencing vicariously their joys and sorrows
The sharing of such my sweet gold
Always however my Wandering resumed
For the lure of Space was too strong
I found I craved the Freedom it gave
And as Impassioned Pilgrim moved on
Through my Span of Millennia and galaxies
I have read the Universe's story
I have raised the Veil to touch the mien
Of a Vast and Exquisite glory
Continuing on I shall discern new horizons
As the Depths of Existence I chart
Enduring herein as a Timeless observer
A spirit dancing lightly across the stars
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Last few words:
I wrote this from both a dream and a deep desire to wander the stars unrestricted by any physical constraints. I hope it touches those who experience similar yearning, and allows them a vicarious experience of such.
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
weirdelf
Mon, 2016-08-01 10:01
I love your word-crafting and message, William
Very brave. You handle long lines reasonably well.
Therein lies my critique. You play loose and free with structure, which is a good thing, though at times it creates a certain dissonance, for example the line-
My eternal Soul this trek to begin
is pretty contorted English for the sake of rhyme, my own term for it is 'Yodaish'.
Do you read your poetry aloud? I even record mine and play it back to hear where my mind has altered sounds which betray the ear.
I would like to suggest that you look a bit into the nature of meter, that is the most consistent failing in the works of yours I have read.
I'll be running a workshop on meter soon; don't wait for it, perhaps read some strongly metered work like Tennyson or Byron.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Sparrow
Tue, 2016-08-02 19:09
William
A good Story/Theme but it lacked the poetic touch, try to be consistent with rhyme, then line lengths.
You can get away with the variation in line lengths if the reader is held with a good flow.
Have a good read or let someone else read to you record it and then edit where you will find a break in the rhythm
I look forward to your next piece and the edit to this one.
Yours Sparrow..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
jane210660
Thu, 2016-08-04 03:46
I very much like the essence
I very much like the essence of this poem. I think the structure is a bit iffy at times, a bit too contrived in places. For instance, 'this trek to begin' is a bit weighty. Try a half rhyme 'this trek began'
I would say, don't use more words than you have to and don't sacrifice the poetic value for rhyme.
All said and done, it's a great poem and one I would be proud of. Just keep refining it over the weeks and you'll have something very worthwhile on your hands. Jx
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