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Song

Submitted by Dylan Whitw on Fri, 2016-01-01 13:24

Humanity's only task
Is to love.
Its only purpose
Its only knowledge
Is to love.
All it wants to do
All it needs to do
Is find something
To love
In each form;

The love
Of the mind.
The love
Of the heart.
The love
Of the soul.
And the love
Of the self.
All of them are
Necessary.
All of them are paths
To meaning.

And like everything
No love is
Repeated;
Sometimes
They are words.
Sometimes
They are gods.
And sometimes
They are tragedy.
But they are always
Human
And they are always
Part of the
White Breath.

All the universe
Asks us to do
Is love.
And we do.

Until it crawls
Back
To the womb.
And cries
Like death.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Did this come off as a wise, universal poem or just a sentimental, pretentious mess?
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing

Comments

Sparrow

Fri, 2016-01-01 19:06

Sparrow's picture
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Liked this quite a lot, A walk with the love of the universal energy is fine but we are her to also learn what a Human form can only learn.
A Spirit world that is infinite cannot learn of pain, hunger and any emotion the Human form can have, this maybe the reason for us here.
Though while you are here it is good to show love to all you meet, it is a lesson and enhances the Spirit..
Welcome to our site and I will look forward to your next writes,
Yours Ian ..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Dylan Whitw

Sat, 2016-01-02 00:09

Dylan Whitw's picture

Thanks, that's helpful (and well thought out). Could you give me some of your thoughts on the wording and pacing as well? Do the short lines make it seem pretentious or does it give it the slow, calm reading I was hoping for? Is the final line of "like death" unexpected and a curveball to the otherwise life-centered theme of the poem? Is the rhyming of "Breath" and "Death" easy to notice?
Thanks again.

author comment

themoonman

Sat, 2016-01-02 10:59

themoonman's picture
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The overuse of the word "love" promotes
redundancy of it's affect, especially so when
read out loud, creating a monotone softness
not the calmness you were reaching for, of
course that is only my opinion.

Dylan Whitw

Sat, 2016-01-02 13:00

Dylan Whitw's picture

It's not overuse, its simply repetition. The second verse has the phrase repeated just enough so it doesn't sound droning and monotonous. I still see your point, though.

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