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Sea Of Gold
The larks in the morning,
praising the sun,
telling the world
the day has begun.
The heady smell of
the forest grove -
of trees, of moss,
sweet scents of old.
A bitter wind from the
north, so cold,
stirring up the
Sea of Gold.
Drifts of leaves,
piled deep underfoot,
the cry of the owl;
two-it, two-oo.
The huge lazy sun,
hangs low in the sky.
Coloured red and promising
the morrow to be dry.
The half-naked trees,
standing so tall,
unknowing, one day,
they surely must fall.
The bountiful harvest
of the hedgerow -
glistening blackberries,
masses of sloes.
A fierce blast of wind,
lifts the leaves from the ground.
A wall of colour , from the
forest floor standing proud.
The birds seen against
the darkening sky,
knowing to warmer climes,
soon they must fly.
The hedgehog, the mouse,
asleep in their dens,
while the mist throws its coils
around silent glens.
The coming of dusk,
heralds the night.
Millions of stars -
The heavens alight.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
I admit it, this is a repost from my old account from a couple years ago- however, I'm thinking of doing something similar again, so give me an idea of what you like about it or think could be improved about the style etc.... Thanks!
Editing stage:
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Comments
scribbler
Fri, 2012-05-25 12:54
hello
Nothing wrong with reposting old stuff to rework it. I do it all the time lol. I like the imagery and brevity of line length. Now having said that some of the lines could use another "beat" in my opinion. Example :Stanza 2 could be written something like
the heady aroma
of the forest grove
from trees and mosses
sweet scents of old
Just an opinion..................stan PS welcome back
judyanne
Fri, 2012-05-25 14:57
I love your write – very
I love your write – very descriptive
especially the lines
‘while the mist throws its coils
around silent glens.’
a couple of stanzas have a tad problem with rhythm
‘The huge lazy sun,
hangs low in the sky.
Coloured red and promising
the morrow to be dry.’
- suggest
‘Coloured red, promising
the morrow be dry.’
‘A fierce blast of wind,
lifts the leaves from the ground.
A wall of colour , from the
forest floor standing proud.’
- suggest
'A fierce blast of wind,
lifts leaves from the ground
a wall of coloured forest wall
multi-hued, standing proud.’
- ‘ground and ‘proud’ don’t really rhyme, but I think you get away with it
and imo the approximates ‘grove’ /’old’, you get away by rhyming the next stanza with ‘old’…
but with the rhyme of
‘Drifts of leaves,
piled deep underfoot,
the cry of the owl;
two-it, two-oo.’
how about
‘two-it, two-oot’
good to see you too return to your writes
i edit my works frequently - we are continuously growing as poets :)
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)