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Rest in Peace

Submitted by Barbara Writes on Sun, 2010-12-12 21:19

Resting in peace beneath the earth
As the life that caused our existence
Goes back to heaven from whence it came
Ending the pain and suffering
Consuming our very soul

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

scribbler

Sun, 2010-12-12 21:33

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Hey Carolina girl ! So good to see another write from you. I found this to be very uplifting and hopeful right up to the last line which took a bit of a dark turn. I assume this was your intent and it works well in so short a poem.............scribbler PS if this was not your intent you might try changing "consuming" to something like conveying or transporting or some such

Barbara Writes

Tue, 2010-12-14 00:07

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Thanks for the comment and the suggestion. The dark side at the end was intentional as I am often in pain losing my ability to walk, but I keep walking regardless of the mental and emotional stress it takes just to function normally. Glad you like it.
Since there is no pain and suffering in death the words flowed like a river as I began to write. My way of staying positive not giving up on life.
My family say my style of writing is twisted, but that just the way I am. lol
~Carolina girl~

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

Eduardo Cruz

Sun, 2010-12-12 22:26

Eduardo Cruz's picture

Hey long time,
yes I agree with you

only in deaths sleep
are we at peace
life does consume
slowly from the day
we're born
life begins to dissipate
and death sits
in the corner
in it's patience wait

To me it's sad to read this from you, are you feeling bad again, or is it a loss, that made you write something as dark and morbid as this.
I know you as a fighter over these years.
Please tell me I'm wrong and this is not a surrender
I just can not, I will not believe that about you.
waiting to be told i'm wrong, and happy I will be my old and first friend at Neopoet
Always here,
Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

Barbara Writes

Tue, 2010-12-14 00:16

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Thanks for the comment. I am feeling a bit down these days, but I am keeping a positive attitude. Writing gets the surrender out and down on paper then I keep moving forward never giving up. I wrote six poems back to back before falling asleep when I wrote this.

Thanks for always being here
Friends always.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

author comment

Psyve

Mon, 2010-12-13 15:15

Psyve's picture

This was a dark write, for me.
Almost like a prayer / word of solace that a priest may read out at a funeral...
Very atmospheric...
Psyve

Barbara Writes

Tue, 2010-12-14 00:19

Barbara Writes's picture
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I have dark moments when I write to clear my head of the cob webs that linger in my thoughts when I'm feeling negative.
Thanks for the comment I appreciate it a lot.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

author comment
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