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the railway track!

Submitted by loved on Mon, 2012-10-01 03:47

the railway track!

if the train driver is
a married man he will
apply brakes
then take you home
where you will awake
in unknown arms
slumbering sweet
mouth full of chocolates
God gave him a sweet bunny
one he needed

MOST!

his wife will not lament
remain silent,
a bouquet of flowers brought home
from a land unknown
what's there now to moan?
she sleeps silently
and cries vehemently alone
sheds tears of joys,
heaven sent
Lord you exist
now that's what I need
to own..

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Barbara Writes

Mon, 2012-10-01 14:27

Barbara Writes's picture
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the flow was deliciously poetic. the only thing that left me wondering was the line (thats what i need to own) the circuits in my brain tend to misfire at times lol. I will be reading again.
I'm still waiting for your presence at least once in Renga.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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loved

Mon, 2012-10-01 14:27

loved's picture

own as in
accept..

acceptance of a fact so far disputable
Any suggestions please thanks .

loved

author comment

Nilmini

Mon, 2012-10-01 13:10

Nilmini's picture

I agree with Barbara... this is so poetic.
But pls tell me.. who are you referring to as 'You'? A baby left on the railway tracks?
While reading this poem, the image that came into my mind was of a baby(boy) found left on Railway tracks and found by an Engine driver, who together with his wife, was yearning for a baby of their own. (I know I'm a crazy dreamer) But I'd truly like to know the background story, if possible. Cheers.

loved

Mon, 2012-10-01 14:31

loved's picture

having been stranded
astride a railway track .
I took that as an unwoven thread ,Nilmini,
and I coined this poetic one.

Glad you liked it
and your thought really fits in .
thanks and regards

loved

author comment

Barbara Writes

Mon, 2012-10-01 14:45

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i like this poem it has me wanting to understand more.
To accept what? I see two scenarios here. One where the train drive takes home a sweet un forbidden with chocolates.
Then bring home bouquet of flowers to ease a guilty conscience of wifey betrayal.
Vague bitter sweet bit of poetry the subject seems to be caught in a love triangle. the subject seems to want both pieces of cake and eat it too. lol

so acceptance of what? I dare not guess.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

loved

Mon, 2012-10-01 15:23

loved's picture

A poem is considered to be a classic one

when each reader has his /her own interpretation
not common
then still confusion stays with -in one’s mind
what the poet actually have in his /her dwarfed mind?
It’s a matter of deliberation
I am no critique of this generation

thank God Shakespeare was not barraged
so today he still can't be barged

Likewise this little bard
has some hope
of being as creative
as one may or can hope .

Your guess is the nectar sweet
take it or leave it,
a girl child finds
a home so sweet

loved

author comment

Barbara Writes

Mon, 2012-10-01 15:42

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nectar sweet, seems your subject is getting double the flavor.
the fun is in the guessing, though the reader may never know for sure w/o knowing first hand what the poet is writing about in his/her mind eye.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

kowque

Mon, 2012-10-01 16:45

kowque's picture

You poems always leave me floored,but enthralled nonetheless.

Koki

loved

Tue, 2012-10-02 00:36

loved's picture

the flowery and enthralling beauty of the reader
and
depicts the vision of one's mind sees
Thanks,
I take it as a compliment

loved

author comment

Roscoe Lane

Tue, 2012-10-02 03:02

Roscoe Lane's picture

A strong nicely written piece about deception and the quiet love of the wife. Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

loved

Tue, 2012-10-02 03:25

loved's picture

Roscoe
your wisdom is astounding .
.the mind is a reflection
of inner values and thoughts.
other site first day reads =118
here we don't have the older system

loved

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