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The Queen (Rhyme Crimes Workshop #1)

Submitted by William Saint George on Wed, 2012-06-06 05:28

The Queen between the shades of night
and walls of everlasting light
stands silent, as the teeming throng
of subjects good, one million strong

break into chorus, note by note,
of canticles they learned by rote;
they bless her reign with lifted cry
beneath her banner and the sky.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
Last few words: 
Perfect rhyme, for "Rhyme Crimes" workshop. Wes, I couldn't find the workshop in the combo box below.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
Rhyme Crimes

Comments

judyanne

Wed, 2012-06-06 05:43

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have another look

perfect rhyme :)
except 'throng / strong' - the vowel sounds aren't allowed to be preceded by the same consonant - remember?

i love the internal rhyme here in 'The Queen between the shades of night'

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

William Saint George

Wed, 2012-06-06 06:33

William Saint George's picture

let me see if I got this right:

the vowel sound here is "o", in "ong". The consonant we're talking about - that should not be the same - is the "r",
I thought we if these were different: "thr" and "str", then we have perfect rhyme.

Thanks for the help, but now I wonder how I'm going to edit it without re-writing the whole poem.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

judyanne

Wed, 2012-06-06 06:48

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we’re really only doing this exercise to show we all know what ‘proper’ rhyme is. and this would only be pulled up by the orthodox, as with the rule of the rhyme not allowed to be part of its partner eg ‘ball / all’
- a very minor thing, but interesting to know and to know to avoid if ever writing verse that is strict - eg sonnet

th -R- ong
st -R - ong
as i understand it the consonant that is before the vowel sound has to be different
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

judyanne

Wed, 2012-06-06 06:34

judyanne's picture
Volunteer badge

you'll have to wait for wesley - where-ever he is lol - to come back and add your name to the workshop, then it'll be in the dropdown thingy for you...
xx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

scribbler

Thu, 2012-06-07 10:13

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This might not technically be perfect rhyme but that kinda depends on which expert definition one reads. In any case it's pretty darn close and definitely close enough for most writing..........I refer you to Norton's Anthology of poetry "If the correspondence of rhyming sounds is exact it is called perfect rhyme" . Notice not one mention of required preceeding consonants................stan BTW I will be selling tickets to the fight this is likely to cause lol.....

William Saint George

Thu, 2012-06-07 17:42

William Saint George's picture

Thanks for the help Stan. My head spins a bit, so I'll look up Norton's and compare to what we've discussed so far in the workshop, just so I still keep the entire picture in mind.

As for that fight...already in line at the gate! :D

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

wesley snow

Thu, 2012-06-07 23:51

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Stan will be tugging on us over this throughout, so don't sweat it. I'll go look up Norton's too and see just what rhyme he's discussing.
In one sense it is absolutely correct. If the "sound" is the same, it rhymes.
The "proper" rhyme (for the sake of semantics here... there are a massive list of names the so called- "common" or "commonest" rhyme is called. "Proper" was chosen randomly by me to have a name to call it common to the workshop.
As for the consonant sound, I stick to my guns. Here though is a reason why we even consider something like this.

One of the poet's most pervasive and evil antagonist is- redundancy. If we use the same word twice in too few lines it lends to that feeling of repetitiveness we try to avoid as it lends a dulling effect to everything we write.
What is the single most repetitive aspect of rhymed poetry?

Rhyming.

Here we are attempting to twist hula hoops around our bodies in an attempt to not repeat something and we are now DELIBERATELY placing like sounds at the ends (or elsewhere) of our lines to aid in the creation of some "musical" effect more than half of us feel is unnecessary.
If we can avoid some of this, shall we?
"throng/strong/wrong/prong"
or
"throng/song/thong/tong"

Just a thought.
The purpose here was simply to ascertain that everyone understands the semantics. Follow mine simply because that is the temporary "rule" I have set for the workshop, but one of the specifics I was hoping to demonstrate with this workshop is that there are more ways to rhyme than cavities in grandpa's mouth.
And I will be dragging you through the swamp of these variations if I can just get my computer to keep working and my responsibilities at the AC appropriately revisited.

Good poem though, but of course you know the subject matters that will suck me in.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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