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The Poor Soul

Submitted by Benjamin1987 on Sat, 2012-04-21 21:48

Where I am from
there is a man
who roams the streets
doing nothing but drinking

His story a sad one
of a young man
destined for greatness
in the sport of baseball

Fate thrusting him down
a different path
fighting a war
in a far off land
called Vietnam

I do not know
and will never know
what he saw and experienced

But I am sure
it was not for
the weak of heart

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Ian.T

Fri, 2012-05-04 02:42

Ian.T's picture
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You have a base here yet leaves the reader wanting to hear more of the story, you could join some of your lines at first and add a few more to each Stanza. Later you can go for the shorter line poems, which are hard to read as they need to be spot on.
Have a look at Esker as he has mastered the skill, I await your Edit on this one, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Benjamin1987

Sun, 2012-09-23 11:08

Benjamin1987's picture

Hey Ian,
I have edited this piece a little bit, but have not posted it as of yet. I think I am going to go a different way instead of doing as a short piece.

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Benjamin1987

Sun, 2012-05-13 18:01

Benjamin1987's picture

Hey Ian T,
Where can I find Esker? I would really like to see his style.

Benjamin

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Ian.T

Sun, 2012-09-23 13:28

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Go to the top and put curser on TOOLS then Just click on the "Track all site activity " Go down until you see Esker then just click on his name that will take you to his Pofile and a list of all his work, You take care out there and welcome to Neopoet, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Benjamin1987

Sun, 2012-09-30 00:47

Benjamin1987's picture

Thank you Ian,
I have found Esker. His work is stupendous and I look upon his work with much admiration as that Allen Ginsburg. Hope will like my edit it will be coming soon when I can find some time from my school work to put it up.

Yours,

Benjamin

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