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Plots for sale
Two threads intertwined
Just to create a special mind
Clean and empty vacant spot
Built to make sure you thoroughly rot
Spacious area, room to grow
For a lot cheaper than it ought to go
Nice little path for a flower bed
An ex barber next door to shave your head
Down the road whilst our children sleep
City workers clean our streets
A little lively towards the nights eve
But still enough serenity allowing you to believe
Christening are twice a week
Or counseling and guidance other days of the week
Down the street and around the block
Are places corpses hang and talk?
How much money in your pocket child
I’ve got a price it’s listed on file
Still unsure well move aside
There’s another person waiting in line
Well considering just who you are
Part of your payment could come from the stars
Two threads intertwined
Just to create a simple mind
Wait sir please don’t run
Just a few more questions then I’ll be dun
Are you sure it’s been properly infected
After all I may not need to be resurrected
And must the exterminator always be near
Perhaps in the contract it wasn’t quite clear
And finally before I sign this page
When do the vermin get their chance on stage?
Plot 4 sale
Spacious plot 4 sale
Empty vacant plot 4 sale
Is it in heaven or is it in hell
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Fri, 2024-03-22 17:33
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem, "Plots for Sale", uses a narrative style to explore themes of life, death, and societal norms. It's a complex piece with a lot of potential for further development.
The poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm or meter. While free verse is a valid style, the irregular rhythm in this piece can make it difficult for the reader to follow. Consider revising with an eye towards creating a more consistent flow.
The use of language and imagery is effective in places, but could be more consistently applied. For example, the lines "Two threads intertwined / Just to create a special mind" and "Two threads intertwined / Just to create a simple mind" bookend the poem nicely, but the metaphor of threads and minds isn't developed further in the poem. Consider expanding on this imagery, or tying it more closely to the themes of the poem.
The poem's narrative could be clearer. It's difficult to discern who the speaker is, who they're speaking to, and what the stakes are. The plot for sale could be a metaphor for a variety of things, but it's not clear what the intended interpretation is. Consider revising to make the narrative and themes clearer to the reader.
The poem's use of dialogue and questions is interesting, but could be more effectively integrated. The shift to dialogue in the lines "Wait sir please don’t run / Just a few more questions then I’ll be dun" is abrupt and can be confusing for the reader. Consider revising to make the transitions smoother.
The poem's ending, "Plot 4 sale / Spacious plot 4 sale / Empty vacant plot 4 sale / Is it in heaven or is it in hell", is a strong conclusion that ties back to the title and the themes of the poem. However, the use of "4" instead of "for" is inconsistent with the rest of the poem and can be distracting for the reader. Consider revising for consistency.
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Lavender
Mon, 2024-03-25 22:25
Plots For Sale
Welcome to Neopoet,
The intriguing title brought me in and I am fascinated with this poem. I cannot say that I understand it completely, but the tone and mood have a hold on the reader. The language is intense, almost mesmerizing. I've read it out loud - it has the feel of a rap, to me. I'll be back to read this again after your response.
Again, welcome, and I look forward to reading more of your work!
Lavender