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A pleading sky.

Submitted by vandiemenspeak on Mon, 2016-04-25 01:34

What grainy film of tears is this,
behind your reddened eyes?
What lands you trudged,
while you were judged,
your young left traumatized.

All because that old emotion,
round us girthing strongly rings
It strips from us the bark of reason,
where hope is lost and fear wins

From generals, mayors, business contrarians,
not to mention those dark Whitehall
machinations, from parliamentarians,
who starkly, always know it all.

For this is no "great game" renewed,
or misadventure of the crude.
These are the lives of people, frail,
upon which great sorrow has been spewed.

And bilious, fear motivated,
malignant and malcontent-
Judgments by the poor succumbed,
readers of the rags who rent;

this land, their minds, not by virtue
of birthright, though they may well rant:
just so!

They are the suppers of fear mongers,
blind and pitiless
lurking below-

For all that's left of us that loves-
don't leave them there, to rot in tents!
Not for the trite, white dove or cliff,
or specious fearful arguments.

But simply, see them, just like us,
they love, they long, they sing, they cry.
They hold their stricken children to us,
aloft in a pleading sky.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
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Last few words: 
OK - a little revision, for the sake of structure, I know it's critical to some.. and a little less hysterical, and reasoned, more to come.. OK - structured - westernish - through sometimes, I am ashamed to say I am from the West, hence strayed - thence this poem. Subject, hopefully clear - given what's unfolding outside Calais, off the coast of my old homeland, that once welcomed the poor and huddled masses, with more open hearts. Feel free to have a poke at it - I will try to improve this to increase it's impact, as it's a subject I feel strongly about. PS - I love the critic option: " [This option has been removed]" - it must be classified ;)
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

weirdelf

Mon, 2016-04-25 03:11

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I found the poem difficult to read. Once I checked the background of what's been happening in Calais and came back to it almost everything fell into place. Even then... well have you ever looked much into meter? We've run several workshops on it and will run more. I'm afraid the scansion is all over the place and makes it all quite disjointed. I can't even begin to make suggestions because there is no metric spine to the poem. Meter is far more important than rhyme to the poetic music and structural integrity of a piece.

However it does carry the emotion very well. Speaking of which, what is "the oldest emotion"? I would have thought parental love which doesn't seem to fit in context.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

brittle light

Mon, 2016-04-25 06:00

brittle light's picture

There are differing views on this situation that are not based on "specious fascist arguments", or abject xenophobia....but I can sense the passion you have for the way you see it. That, however, does not necessarily equate with a pragmatic solution.
Sometimes, feeling a little "xenophobic" has a rational basis, and therefor should no longer be considered a "phobia".
In many respects, beyond just their "humanness", the migrants are "the other"
Culture is real, and culture has consequences.

Just my two cents (adjusted for inflation)

Al

vandiemenspeak

Mon, 2016-04-25 06:41

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But I was cranky. I know the issue is a bit more nuanced than that, and, like I said, I'll come back and "clean up" once the initial idea's blown over.
There is however, a lot of manipulation of emotion by the use of fear, and as to the "other", there have always been "others", and we lived together quite successfully (for the most part) without this manufactured crisis that's left countless families living in dire conditions. Migration can also be a positive thing, an argument that's often put forward is that "they" don't bring anything to an economy or a culture, when, as in many cities, "culture" and "economy" which have an undeniable connection have benefited from the rich diversity which migration brings.

An interesting piece on the son of Syrian refugees,who certainly made an impact on culture/economy is here:
http://www.theguardian.com/artanddesign/2015/dec/11/banksy-uses-steve-jo...

Thanks for the response Al,
Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

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vandiemenspeak

Mon, 2016-04-25 06:12

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As I said in the overview, this was "westernish" - in that I mean that it's not strict. I am aware of meter and rhythm and have written pieces that adhere to this, I also find mixed meter very interesting. I'm not certain I've succeeded here yet!
Don't get me wrong, it does need improvement, and I will be revisiting and making this easier to "scan" - hopefully without losing it's emotion. As to the oldest emotion, I guess that's sort of chicken and egg - fear is a strong motivator, I think I mention that in the piece, sometimes it motivates us to protect, and that we do out of love. My point is, that it's one of the oldest uses of emotional manipulation, often used by the state, to make people either believe the unbelievable or make them comply.
I will try and apply some of your suggestions, it's a fair call - thanks.

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

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