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Pearls in Paradise

Submitted by Gemma on Tue, 2016-11-01 15:48

I have always love pearls
The reason is for they go with anything
You wear will look pretty good and make
Me feel good and deep inside of my heart
The heavenly love of pearls that shine bright
As I wear pearls that remind me of my loved ones
Who have passed away and how much I miss them.
Pearls are like apart of me as I have comfort to
Know they are with me in through my pearls.
A paradise city where I live in brings me hope
To overcome in my head the reality that God has given
Me my strength to move on from my beautiful paradise
Of pearls with the new version of this page.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
February 2016 - Free Verse

Comments

Sparrow

Tue, 2016-11-01 20:16

Sparrow's picture
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You are writing as if telling a story, later we can change to poetry when we have learned form.
Your language use is needing an edit, lines such as:-
1.."I have always love pearls".. the correct way is to use "loved" then it makes sense.
2.."The reason is for they go with anything".. just drop the "for"
3.."You wear will look pretty good" use "Wearing them" as the first two words
4..Making me feel good deep in my heart"
It maybe your accent that brings this quaint English way of writing, if so you will have to be careful.
I when young had a broad Wiltshire accent and used many other words in talking but over the years and being in the forces my accent became near neutral except when talking to someone from my old home town.
Take care and lets see your next piece, have a read of a few classic poets and just get a feel from the way they express themselves.
Look forward to your next piece,
Yours as always Ian..

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Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

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