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The Mist
An evening mist brings forth
sadness within my bones
the light scars the being I
am light nor darkness
bringeth me a dove
The peace of a dove will
never quiet my home of pain
I live in the heart of the mist
I see nothing, I hear nothing, I
speak nothing
The cloud upon the ground
visits me with the utmost of
ambush I flee to no gain I sit
deep inside of the mist
It brings me much sorrow
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
BlueDemon77
Mon, 2012-07-02 10:18
Hi Crimson Queen
I appreciate the emotion you've invested in this and the metaphor of being trapped in a mist that causes you pain is very effective. I can also see the image perfectly. There are a few things I didn't like, which I'm telling you with respect as poet to poet because I know I'm here to get better through constructive feedback and I assume the same about you. I feel the poem would have been more effective to me if at least small hints were given as to where the mental agony is coming from. For example a dark haired woman walking the shores of a raging sea in a thick mist devastated about the death of her lover would carry so much more emotional punch than no description of why at all. The swirling mist is a wonderful opportunity to place an image that, while it doesn't tell the whole story, it gives a hint the reader can hold onto. With that, this could have been a dagger to the heart. Good poem, I would consider it more free verse than structured. Feel free to write me to discuss/respond.
Blue Demon77
"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."
The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath
Ian.T
Mon, 2012-07-02 10:37
CQ
Before anything welcome to Neopoet and I hope that the walk with us will be a lasting joy...
As Ron said you being lost, and asking for a dove to probably send out to seek an olive twig so that you would know that you had neared to land this is the picture in words that is needed here.
Push out your mind to encompass the surroundings, you may not be able to see with your eyes so you need to use your other senses, then tell us why and what is going on..
Take care of you and welcome once again, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..