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THE MIGHTY MOUNTAIN

1 grain of sand,
It's all your given.
Told to do something marvelous with it,
Something magnificent.

It lays there,
In a sand mound.
It's bigger,
It stands out from all the rest.

Bending over you pick it up,
Roll it around in your fingers.
Your cold skin,
over sun heated grain.

The grain,
Is it a sign?
Well,
It's more gold than the rest!

It's so beautiful,
As the winds blow in the ocean.
Sail boats whipping about,
The breeders of this nation.

The rest of the fallen,
Lay on the mound.
Oh, but what shall you do with this?

It's just a grain,
A mound was all you were given.
Told to do something worth living,
Something to make a change.

You toss it in the air,
It sinks right down.
You stick it to your ear,
Hoping at least 1 sound.

The shine is here,
As it to is in your head.
Pictures of beauty appear,
But your skull's as thick as lead.

Who is they?
Why everyone you've ever known!
Like earth, the sky, and water.

This grain you hold now was once a mighty mountain.
Impassable by plane.
Now it's a diseased sore,
Laying in the ruins of fallen soldiers.

And here you stand,
With the mighty mountain in your grips.
But not for the life of you,
Can you make use of it.

And from the East,
Blows a wind.
A gust so powerful,
That your mound of sand is torn away.

The grains lye in a pile.
They formed right at my feet.
Sand so brown,
With 1 golder grain.

Bending over,
I pick it up.
And thoughts
Shoot through my brain.

The coarsness,
The gritty rock.
All of this belonged,
Once,
To a LEADER.

The mountain I pictured,
Had slopes so deep.
The cliff edges
So deadly.

It was a mountain,
On an island.
Species you never
Heard of inhabited it.

And all the while,
This grain spoke a story.
It spoke of peaks as high as the stars.

At night, the waves sung songs to The mountain to please.

So busy at work,
With joyful sweat.
The wind blows in and dries my perspiration

A wall to block,
A tower to watch.
A mote to protect,
And a guard to watch.

I build and build,
For days my hands never stop moving.
Not light nor day,
Had a clue of what I was doing.

Stopping,
Finished at last.
My sand stood there,
As a beautiful trophy.

A sandcastle,
With motes so deep.
My kingdom,
Walls so thick.

With pillars and crowned roof ledges.
My castle stood so brave.
With beauty in my eyes,
This castle shone.

Mightier than the great wall, or brick and mortar.
My castle stood high,
With only pride to shine.

The wind,
A gust so big.
Came busting through the trees.

My castle was solid.
No it,
the wind did not waiver.

My pride perks up.

But before I leave my creation........................

I spot my last untouched grain,
"Just like the foundation,
It started with you."

I reach over and ever so lightly. On the highest pillar,
The golden grain was set.
Taking command,
Once again,
Of it's
MIGHTY MOUNTAIN.

-AJ Birt

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Last few words: 
I never edit poems. But this can be a first. Us there anything I need to change or make better? Anyway to make it more symbolic or easier to understand the theme?
Editing stage: 

Comments

interesting. i like the story it tells too. :)

Thank you for reading it Starlight! XD it means a lot:)

Edgar poet

author comment

i think i can see this as a spoken word poem. why don't you try recording it and posting a link? i like it and it seems like there should be a voice behind it.
always,
mag

I'm new to this and don't know how to do anything yet. Lol. That's actually a great idea!! :D ok. Ill try it!

Edgar poet

author comment

I'm new to this and don't know how to do anything yet. Lol. That's actually a great idea!! :D ok. Ill try it! Thanks mag:)

Edgar poet

author comment

I like your title and how the poem is inspired from that idea. A suggestion: whenever you are writing poetry, spell out the number, instead of 1 write one.The numeral detracts from the reading of the piece. I see you have good stroytelling abilities :) I liked this poem very much. I really liked this section:

A sandcastle,
With motes so deep.
My kingdom,
Walls so thick.

With pillars and crowned roof ledges.
My castle stood so brave.
With beauty in my eyes,
This castle shone.

always, Cat

p.s.
I love Edgar A. Poe's works and often write dark poetry by my male alter ego, eddy styx. When it is a eddy styx poem I write that in the title :)

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Thank you! :D I love to write anything:D so thanks for that compliment I'm a good storyteller! :D
And that's so cool! U have a male alter ego?? :D I like writing dark stuff!! :D ill post one of the poems. But thx fo the tip too:) ill do that

Edgar poet

author comment

Well the content and number thing has already been covered .The idea of a grain of sand being the remnant of a mountain is really good. Wish I'd thought of it lol. Now the stick. You need to proof read a bit better and catch every typo you can. I know everybody including( maybe especially) me has the typo grimlin hanging about but the fewer you submit the more seriously you'll be taken. How many misspells do you find in Poe's works? Looking forward to more from you and welcome to Neopoet. If you have problems in navigating or any questions feel free to ask me or any member.................stan

I never edit my poetry. But the way u put that about poe......ill fix every typo!! :) thank you:)
O and I'm confused about the *lesser u submit, the more u will be taken seriousley* the less I submit of what? Typo poems??
Ok. Thanks for the ideas! Ill keep posting:)

Edgar poet

author comment

The fewer typos you submit lol. And don't be afraid of editing a poem.Heck I go back and read all my stuff every once in a while. You'd be surprised how many improvements jump out after letting a poem sit a while then reviewing...........stan

K:)
I find it hard to edit my poetry or go bak and rewrite it:/
But I always go bak and rewrite poetry! :)

Edgar poet

author comment

Whenever editing try reading the poem out loud in as neutral a voice as you can. This has really helped me find a lot of stumbles in my own stuff and it's Really surprising how much difference it makes compared to reading it silently.............stan

Reread*

Edgar poet

author comment

Ou can post all day if u want:) the more advice the better! :D so like neautral as in no emphasizes on any words? Bc when I read my poetry ovr. I always read it out loud. I just never edit

Edgar poet

author comment

A lot of people take on a "poetic voice" when reading and often unintentionally use their voice to force a poem into fitting the rhythm they want. The best poetry does not require this as it flows naturally. Out of curiousity do you think Poe, Frost and all the other greats never edited their stuff?..............stan

Hmmmm great question for u to ask. Of course they edited their poems. But I never know where to. Start or end...
.its just one of my weaknesses. I just wrote a poem and I got a question for you....should I post my first draft of it, then right under it (as suggested) add my edited version???
And I rly like to add the commas and period bc I like my poem read only ONE way. But interpreted in Many.
(Hey I just noticed I sounded whatev. Lol. I actually like this conversation)

Edgar poet

author comment

Start by letting a poem rest a few days after writing it. Write another poem, go swimming, whatever. Then come back and read it with fresh eyes. Heck I edited the second poem I ever wrote a few weeks ago. Don't look for making a drastic change. Look for a word or two that don't seem to say exactly what you mean then find a replacement. You would be surprised how changing just 2-3 words to better choices can make in a poem. But Don't wait for perfection before posting. Just check for typos and misspells then lay it on us. A lot of suggestions won't work well because one can never read a poet's mind as to exactly what he/she is trying to convey. But then there will come a suggestion that'll make you think"why didn't I See that?". And feel free to use punctuation. I sometimes do and others don't and using it or not using it is neither right or wrong..............stan PS only post one version of a poem at a time unless you are posting the same poem in different forms, such as one poem in both rhyming and free verse

Thank u for all the great advice! Ill try all of that.
Just one last question if its not a bother, how many years ago aprox. Did u write ur 2nd poem??

Edgar poet

author comment
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