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Love Tale (horror story) rough draft
A lonely girl she is
looking searching within,
she thought she found love,
but evil is what she beheld.
Desiring to feel complete
with this one, dark eyes, mysterious,
leathery flesh covers his scales.
Lake flowing, blustery waterfall,
sound of fast rushing water, sudsy white.
Blue skies meets ocean surface,
lost in the moment
she watches a sunset drop, grey skies.
The baby she carries ready to drop,
She remembers the man
of her dream.
A wedding party from the depths of evil,
prepared her imminent demise unbeknownst.
Masterful celebration once a year,
a black widower searches a new bride.
A tiger shark surfaced to feed,
at the hunters moon over the ocean,
gleeful guest of many,
the band played harmoniously.
The bride and groom danced under a setting sun
until the stars shineth no more.
With closed eyes held high,
she awaits his passionate kiss,
as if to baptized, he pushed her face beneath the water.
A large shark, head like a lion
swam beneath,
ripped her body from his hands.
Standing near the waters edge,
she gave birth, a new king in search of a bride a year from now.
Editing stage:
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Comments
Dalton
Sat, 2015-07-04 15:27
Hi Barbara
It really gets interest around stanza six. Its quite horrific, as intended. Could use another edit. thats just a feeling. But it reeds like an oldworld murder ballad. Maybe try listening to some old timey music (don't know if you're into folksingers) but it might inspire you. What oyu have is good and as you say its a horror tale. The clever part is theres no break between the loving, pretty element and the horrific element of the sixth stanza, try and keep that if you decide to edit it. It really works just needs tweaking. Very well done.
Barbara Writes
Sat, 2015-07-04 16:22
Thanks
I'll tweak it some more
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author commentBarbara Writes
Sat, 2015-07-04 16:51
Are all the element there?
I've been offered a screen writing job so have I done this WS any justice.
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author commentwesley snow
Sat, 2015-07-04 16:52
Why.
You leave us with no real resolution. He kills her. Why? You needn't give a detailed background, but I think we need to know the murderer's motivation. Where does he go? Off into the sunset to do it again? Or is he stopped somehow?
Remember, this should be a story not just a pair of scenes. It is a short piece, so I need answers to my questions quickly. And answers I need. A graphic murder may be horror, but it is not necessarily a story.
Don't be afraid to tell us he is bad news at the very beginning, so we are frightened for the girl throughout knowing her coming fate.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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Barbara Writes
Mon, 2015-07-06 01:20
Thanks Wesley
This is my rough draft. I'll work on it add to it according to your suggestions.
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author commentSparrow
Mon, 2015-07-06 04:47
Barbara
As Wesley says, and as his poem there has to be a continuation so that others are brought in with worrying about if they, or theirs, could be next.
Most I have read at the moment are rather stationary and no threat that is where the horror comes from as with the undead and that they live forever never being totally destroyed.
I tried to make Digit like this as he has not been caught yet and is in Singapore. I am waiting for his next dead letter.. lol
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Yours as always, Ian..
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judyanne
Mon, 2015-07-06 07:55
hi Barbara
Great edit
I really like this... it has a great twist at the end ... well done
Maybe a little more in the beginning on his deception ..... I love the thought of leathery flesh covering scales....
Also, if you are familiar with formatting, perhaps dividing the past from the present with italics would make it clearer.
Love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Barbara Writes
Mon, 2015-07-06 12:35
Judy
Im new to storytelling and writing. Some help here would be really appreciated. More deception coming and initialized past from presence as you wish.
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author commentalidzain
Mon, 2015-07-06 18:52
Hi Barbara
Good imagery but I agree with Wes that you need to tell more about the murderer. Can't wait to see how you edit this.
Alid
Barbara Writes
Tue, 2015-07-07 13:44
Alid
Thanks for the feedback. I will drum up some more imagery of the murderer. This is my first horror story. So I need all the input I can get. A company wants me to be Screen writer. That means I have potential so I need to learn it the right way not my natural way. Who better to learn learn from than Wesley storytelling workshop.
On a product of Neopoet. And we will one day trained the best poets society has to offer.
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author commentwesley snow
Thu, 2015-07-16 22:40
These edits are excellent.
It is a cult.
A mystic cult.
A cult doing this again and again. Sick.
Well done.
I hope the screen writing job pans out.
Yes, all of the parts are there.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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Barbara Writes
Fri, 2015-07-17 09:00
Wes
Thank you thank you
What next
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author commentRula
Sun, 2015-08-02 16:48
I wonder if
The Hawaii environment inspired this.... I doubt it though.
Frightening end!!
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Barbara Writes
Sun, 2015-08-02 20:56
Lol
No I hadn't left for Hawaii yet when I wrote this. Hawaii was wonderful. Having ms I got sick going and coming. Almost land the plane in San Francisco on way home I could breathe with chest tighteness.
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