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Let's Get Out of This Horrible Place
Let's get out of this horrible place
while there's still time.
I can confess my sins,
I just need a moment
and some reflection.
I don't want
to be here without you.
I don't want
to have these disjointed thoughts anymore.
And I don't even mind what you call me,
and I don't even mind the hurt.
It's nothing compared to my loneliness.
I can be proud.
(I've way too much pride)
And I can have my bouts of arrogance.
I've fallen a bit because of that.
There is nothing that helps me,
not the consolation of friends,
nor the distraction of pleasure.
I am not married to any of them.
I'm no victim,
despite what you say.
And I'm no monster
despite what you think.
So many times
I wish I could wake up
with you in our bed.
So often I wish
you would just show up
unannounced.
Crawl in bed with me
my love
and let us sleep this nightmare away.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
raj
Sun, 2018-07-01 04:41
the title fits the poem like
the title fits the poem like a glove since it is about getting out of the hole the protagonist finds himself in...
good indulgence
........................................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
Eumolpus
Sun, 2018-07-01 15:19
Your poem
At first I could not help but think of the song by the Rolling stones
We've got to get out of this place
If it's the last thing we ever do...
Girl there's a better life
For me and you.
The song is more about getting out of the clutches of society, and seizing love more freely but the poem more develops into getting out of a bad bar scene and scoring with a bien aimee. The poem works on it's own, but the distraction of similarity in the opening to the song stays with me no matter how I try. This is very common in reading poetry- at various poetry workshops I attend when the start has a reference to something it sticks with the reader, even if it has nothing to do with the poem. I think this is just one of the common reactions...no different from music if you were to hear a melody you recognize in another totally different piece of music you just can't forget it...
...
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
IRiz
Mon, 2018-07-09 09:22
You sound like a whale
You sound like a whale
who's lost his mate
and sends the distress waves
for hundreds of miles away.
The others sense them
with their smooth, strong bodies
while taking care of their own
everyday gain and loss,
and think "if only,
I could be closer".
IRiz