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Let go.....
Let go of your fears,
just as the way a river
carries away a log blocking
its smooth passage
Let go of your confusion,
just as the way the morning
fades away, giving you a clear vision
of what is around you
Let go of your hatred,
just as the way an earthquake
ceases to exist
Let go of your hurts,
just as the way the sky lets go
of the night, paving way for the day
Let go of your ego,
just as the way muddy water
becomes clear water when mud
settles at the bottom
Let go of these, and your life
will be as enchanting as a clear, night sky,
decorated with stars and shooting stars
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
judyanne
Thu, 2012-11-01 07:06
hello kimathi
hello kimathi
welcome to neopoet
this has promise… it is a bit on the hallmark side, but there is nothing wrong with that :)
but imo, when writing these sort of messages one needs to be succinct, so as it doesn’t get boring with repetitions
in fact poetry needs to be succinct, even a long poem is succinct in that it has few repetitions bar those intended
try dropping a few words
for example, this is what i suggest with the first two stanzas
Let go of fear
as a river
carries away a log blocking
its smooth passage
Let go of confusion
as the morning
fades to give a clear vision
of what is around you..
and one other thought
‘will be as enchanting as a clear, night sky,
decorated with stars and shooting stars’
is lovely – I like the image it gives, but watch out for using words twice – like ‘stars’ - and try to use adjectives to describe rather than nouns
i like this, as i said, it has promise
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Nordic cloud
Fri, 2012-11-02 11:50
I am just going to throw in a
I am just going to throw in a thought,
the fact the earthquakes could no longer exist bothers me, logically?
Let go of your fears,
just as the way a river......................just the way
carries away a log blocking........the word blocking could be on the next line?
its smooth passage
Let go of your confusion,
just as the way the morning
fades away, giving you a clear vision
of what is around you
Let go of your hatred,
just as the way an earthquake ceases to exist
Let go of your hurts,
just as the way the sky lets go
of the night, paving way for the day............... paving THE way?
Let go of your ego,
just as the way muddy water
becomes clear water when mud
settles at the bottom.........................When mud settles- is perhaps enough
I liked the thoughts you have here;
judyanne has probably given you
some good constructive advice.
Yours Ann.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
Kimathi
Mon, 2012-11-05 02:42
Greetings
Hi Judyanne and Ann(Nordic cloud). I am really happy for your welcoming and the way you have critiqued my work. You are the kind of people who make one a better poet than the way he or she was before. Gladto be in this site! :)
Nordic cloud
Wed, 2012-11-07 04:54
So glad if we helped Kimathi,
So glad if we helped Kimathi, judyanne is a good poet to have critque your work, she knows a lot about the correct forms of poetry. I am one who has spouted 'poetry'- words in patterns and don't know the norms of poetry so well. A freelancer in a way. Regards Ann.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
Kimathi
Mon, 2012-11-12 02:49
Greetings Nordic Cloud
You have really made me love this site more. It makes one a better poet each day.
Regards,
Teddy