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Lazy Fingers

Submitted by Dennis Go on Wed, 2011-01-26 03:08

Lazy fingers
And an idle mind
To write off my worries
All in metered rhyme.

About what?
I know not still.
Just letting thoughts flow
At my heart's own will

On pain and joy,
Suffering and strife,
Laughter and sorrow,
Death and life,

Slaves and masters,
Rich and poor,
Winning and losing,
Old age and youth,

Angels and devils,
Heaven and hell,
The good and the bad,
Stories to tell.

In all these cases
I strive real hard
To showcase my views
And utter my charm.

Lazy fingers
And my hot, weary head
Write of my worries
Shown in verses unsaid.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Dennis Go

Wed, 2011-01-26 06:40

Dennis Go's picture

I've considered that word quite a few times but it seems the rhyming is still off.

"Lore" sounds like "four" rather than "poor". The only thing close to poor I can think of is "sure", hence I think I'll stick with youth for the time being. :)

Thank you very much for your valuable suggestion :)

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

author comment

raj

Wed, 2011-01-26 05:07

the state of mind of poet searching for inspiration is brought out well in this write...

you may want to correct a spello

Write of (off) my worries

warmly..

raj (sublime_ocean)

Dennis Go

Wed, 2011-01-26 06:47

Dennis Go's picture

In the first verse, I wrote:

To write off my worries
All in metered rhyme
---- meaning: to remove my worries through writing.

In the last stanza, I wrote:

Write of my worries
Shown in verses unsaid.
---- meaning: to write about my worries.

Thank you very much for your suggestion. They're both deliberately spelled that way.

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

author comment

raj

Wed, 2011-01-26 06:51

i stand corrected...what you have said is spot on....

warmly...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Dennis Go

Wed, 2011-01-26 06:54

Dennis Go's picture

Thanks again Raj :)

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

author comment

Dennis Go

Wed, 2011-01-26 06:54

Dennis Go's picture

Glad you liked this one.

This is way different from what I've been writing so I'm not really comfortable with rhyming styles like this. :)

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

author comment

Kailashana2

Wed, 2011-01-26 07:08

Oh, yes. It is way different and well done. I don't think I have the discipline though I have often unintentionally schemed...I mean rhymed. ;-)

For your consideration (and of(f) the beaten path): old age ends youth.

~A

Dennis Go

Wed, 2011-01-26 07:26

Dennis Go's picture

I'm emphasizing writing about old age, and writing about youth.

"Old age ends youth" would give it a whole new different meaning.

Thanks again for your valuable suggestion. :)

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

author comment

Kailashana2

Wed, 2011-01-26 09:35

I know dear, noticed all the sides, parallels and opposites of your poem.

Just having some fun, Dennis, you know how I am. ;-)

~A

Dennis Go

Wed, 2011-01-26 10:20

Dennis Go's picture

Hehe Thanks again Anna :)

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

author comment

Dennis Go

Wed, 2011-01-26 10:19

Dennis Go's picture

Actually Shirl the 6th stanza:

In all these cases
I strive real hard
To showcase my views
And utter my charm.

hard and charm doesn't rhyme either hehe

I'll just leave it at youth coz forcing it to rhyme shall ruin the whole meaning :)

Thanks again Shirl :)

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

author comment
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