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Just walk away
When you see trouble
You better run in a double
So just walk away
There is no reason to stay
You are more of a man
Takes that kind of stand
Remember what I say
Just walk away
You don't have to be tough
You can say that's enough
You did the right thing
So that your soul can sing
Just remember to think
You don't have to have that drink
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
Editing stage:
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Comments
docmaverick
Sun, 2012-05-20 08:27
Well, "L & M"....
...you have one major, "false rhyme", and that's "man"....and, "stand"...in your third couplet. Other than that, you have delivered a fine effort.
Sincerely,
docmaverick.
Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==
louiemary
Sun, 2012-05-20 15:45
Thanks for your input!
Thanks for your input!
Candlewitch
Sun, 2012-05-20 12:05
Hello Louiemary,
Good title it reflects the poem well. Suggestion:
In the last line: You don't have to have that drink
how about: You don't have to take that drink
Good subject matter!
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
louiemary
Sun, 2012-05-20 15:46
Thanks for your input.
Thanks for your input.
judyanne
Sun, 2012-05-20 13:17
hello louiemary
the more I read this over the more i liked it.
just the beginning annoyed me a little
'When you see trouble
You better run in a double
So just walk away'
- the actual saying is ‘run on the double’, but that wasn’t the problem (imho i stress)
it sounded as a threat, and the rest of the write so gives for a care and love ‘please stay safe’ emotion.
how do you feel about making it more a plea?
‘When you see trouble
run on the double
walk away’
also just a few suggestions
‘There is no reason to stay ‘
I’d suggest
‘there’s no reason to stay’ – for rhythm
‘ Takes that kind of stand’
again for rhythm and saying it a little clearer maybe?
‘if you take that stand’
‘ So that your soul can sing’
I’d drop the ‘that’ – again for rhythm, and also 'that' is a word best avoided most times
I enjoyed this write
thank you for sharing it with me
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
louiemary
Sun, 2012-05-20 15:46
Thanks for your input.
Thanks for your input.
temidayo
Sun, 2012-05-20 17:40
this sounds like the advice from a caring sister
yes it sounds better as an overall message of plea,an attempt to dissuade a person from hurting others and ultimately hurting himself or vice versa. You have people like the wonderful judy giving you tips so you cant go wrong. Again Nice work
louiemary
Mon, 2012-05-21 04:28
Thanks!
Thanks!